


These crimes between us grow deeper (we never say a thing)

by ElixirBB



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Blood and Injury, Choking, Emotional Manipulation, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Fingering, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Nightmares, Older Man/Younger Woman, Oral Sex, Present Kylo is fumbling around with life, Slow Burn-ish, Snoke is his own warning and he’s nuts ok, Vaginal Sex, Violence, again please heed the warnings, all of the sex, and rey, heed the warnings, like right from the get go violence, memories that are not nice, past Kylo is not nice, there is violence against Rey, tortured existence thy name is Kylo Ren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:35:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 32,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23419096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElixirBB/pseuds/ElixirBB
Summary: She never wanted to die in Jakku but it’s almost poetic she does.(These violent delights have violent ends).*************Kylo Ren has secrets and Rey has all of the dots she needs to connect them but doesn’t.
Relationships: Chewbacca/Maz Kanata, Finn & Rey & Rose Tico, Jannah/Rose Tico, Kaydel Ko Connix/Temmin "Snap" Wexley, Kylo Ren/Rey, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey & Rose Tico, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, there are other mentions but these are the important ones
Comments: 39
Kudos: 54





	1. It seems your eyes are troubled

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! Welcome to my new story. This is going to a heavier one. Like heavy on the angst. Heavy on the everything so please, please heed the warnings. Especially the violence tag because it’s implemented pretty quickly. This being said, there are more than likely going to be some triggers and I’ve laid them out as much as I can in the tags. They’re pretty much blanket for the entire story.
> 
> Title of the story is from Dave Matthews Band song #41.
> 
> I really hope you guys enjoy the story! Reviews are always appreciated! Thanks!

_ The sun is overbearing in its heat. It’s always hot and Rey has gotten used to it, she knows she has, she wasn’t given any choice other than to get used to it, but it’s been a long time since the heat has been this strong, so Rey stays back for longer than normal. She makes conversation with merchants and traders, with people she’s known since she was left in Jakku with barely there memories of the parents who left her behind. _

_ She feels safe in crowds. Which is funny to her, because it means that in this scenario, she feels safe somewhere in Jakku but in crowds like this, with people she’s known her entire life, she feels safer than normal.  _

_ Especially because she feels like she’s being watched, like there is someone stalking her, matching her step for step and corner for corner. It’s been a few weeks and every time she feels like she’s being watched, she twists her head, trying to find someone, anyone, who doesn’t look like they belong. But she finds no one except for shadows. There is no one who looks like they don’t belong here. No one that looks out of the ordinary. Everyone in Jakku is the same they’ve always been.  _

_ It doesn’t stop the shivers that run up and down her spine. It doesn’t stop the feeling that she’s being watched, studied. Hunted.  _

_ It’s dark when she leaves the Outpost. Darker than she thought it would be. Darker than she expected it would be. She doesn’t like walking back in the dark and she curses herself for her stupidity. She lets out a frustrated groan when she realizes that she didn’t bring her bo staff with her that day, planning to stay for only a little while.  _

_ She hurries across the desert when everything happens at once. A shiver runs down her spine and a stray silent dog who hangs around the Outpost starts barking.  _

_ She feels arms around her waist, picking her up bodily and then slamming her down onto the hot sand. She opens her mouth to let out a scream, legs moving wildly, kicking at whatever is in her vicinity. The scream gets lodged in her lungs, because a gloved hand covers her mouth and a forearm leans against her throat, cutting off her breathing, the feel of a cool metal knife at her neck, underneath her ear. She stills, in shock and horror. And then her mind kicks into overdrive and she’s terrified. She hates Jakku. But she’s never wanted to die here. She’s never wanted the sand to cover her dead body with no marker for anyone to remember her by.  _

_ She struggles again, legs and arms flailing. He’s surprised, she can tell because the hand holding the knife slips and slices her. She howls, bringing her knee up and kneeing his stomach. He curses, his voice distorted, and she hears him drop the knife in pain. He releases her and Rey wastes no time, dragging herself up, placing a hand underneath her ear to staunch the bleeding. She lets out a shriek that echoes in the desert when a hand closes around her ankle and pulls her to the ground again, hard. She gurgles, tears stinging her eyes as she pushes against him.  _

_ “Stop.” He commands.  _

_ “Fuck you.” Rey gasps out, spitting in his face, balling her fists and hitting every surface of him she can find. Her throat seizes when she sees silver glinting in the moonlight and she renews her fight, biting his hand when he tries to cover her mouth once more.  _

_ In his shock, he pulls back and Rey reaches out with one hard to grab the knife. The instant Rey grabs it, she knows it’s not a knife but a dagger that’s already stained with her blood. She takes a moment, eyes drawn to the intricate metal and ruby red hilt. She hears him let out another curse and Rey doesn’t think, she goes on autopilot, the words from other scavengers crossing her mind. _

_ (Find whatever you can and attack. Don’t stop fighting. The moment you do, that’s when you’ve already lost. The world isn’t kind to us, there’s no reason for us to be kind to the world). _

_ Rey slashes and she feels the blood that oozes from beneath his black mask. His hands automatically cradle his face. She hears him howl, this time loud enough that people start coming out to see the commotion and Rey drops the dagger, scrambling to her feet, her bag of scavenged goods from earlier in the day is left on the ground as she runs away from the crowd and him. The man dressed in black who attacked for no reason other than he could.  _

_ “I’ll come back. I’ll come back for you, sweetheart.” She hears echoed in the night. It’s not comforting. It’s not meant to be sweet. It’s meant to terrorize her, she knows it. If anything, it makes her run faster. _

_ She runs until someone grabs her arm and she screams again, kicking and clawing, leftover adrenaline eating her alive.  _

_ “Rey! Rey!” It’s a famIliar voice that cuts through her haze of fear and violence and she stops, swollen eyes landing on Lor San Tekka’s weathered face and kind eyes. “Child. What happened?” _

_ Rey bursts into tears and gasps - _

For air, arching her back, clutching her neck, body soaked in sweat. She’s still struggling for air. She’s not unused to nightmares. She recognizes that the moment she goes to sleep, she’ll have one. Her lips quiver as she turns her head to look at her phone, fumbling with it to see the time. The sky is still dark and she listens carefully to her surroundings, wondering if she was loud enough to wake her roommates. Satisfied that she didn’t wake Finn and Rose, at least not tonight, Rey places a hand on her heart and takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. 

It’s a little past two in the morning and she tries to sink back into her bed and grimaces at the not-yet dried sweat from her pyjamas and sheets. With a sigh, she flings the sheets back and strips the bed, grabbing her spare sheets from one of the drawers under her bed. After struggling with the fitted sheets and haphazardly throwing the rest on her bed, Rey strips out of her soaked pyjamas and slips on a dry oversized shirt that she’s sure she stole from Finn the last time they were doing laundry. 

She shivers, not from the cold, because it’s the middle of the summer and though the heat of the city is nothing like the heat of the desert she knows so well and can’t seem to ever forget, it’s still oppressive in its own right. She pulls the covers until they’re tucked beneath her chin and tries to stop from shaking. 

She knows she should go back to sleep. She knows that she has the morning shift at Maz’s Cafe, the last week of her summer classes that she thought were a good idea at the time, and then the garage. She knows her week is packed. She knows that she needs all the sleep she can get but it doesn’t come. 

She would like to say she doesn’t know  _ why _ she’s started having nightmares again, but she knows. The feeling is back. The feeling of being watched, of being tracked, of being so paranoid that she zigs and zags through crowds, trying to throw whoever it is off her scent. Finn and Rose have noticed whenever they all go out. Kaydel has noticed. Everyone asks if she’s okay and Rey stares in the distance, trying to see someone,  _ anyone _ , who looks like they don’t belong here. 

But it’s the city and the city is different than Jakku. Everyone seems to have a place in the city. 

She watches the minutes tick by into hours, her dream, (she scoffs, this is no dream, this is her nightmare, this is her memory that forever brands her), ricocheting in her mind without permission. 

Not like anything in her life required permission. For the longest time, everyone just took and took and took. And left. 

( _ Come back. Come back). _

_ (I’ll come back for you, sweetheart). _

It’s not until her alarm is an hour away from going off and the city comes to life in the streets beneath her window that her eyelids, heavy from lack of sleep, close shut.  
  


* * *

Rey jolts awake when she hears banging against her door. “Rey! Gotta wake up. We’ve got morning shift at Maz’s.”

Rose’s voice comes through loud and clear and Rey groans into her pillow, grumbling as she gets up. She stares at the discarded sheets on her floor and sighs, waving her hand through the air, as if that action justifies her leaving her dirty sheets to deal with later. She opens the door and sees both Finn and Rose already in the kitchen, getting a quick breakfast ready. 

She makes her way to the bathroom and goes through the process of brushing her teeth and washing her face, avoiding looking at the mirror too closely. She contemplates a shower and then forgoes it, knowing that time isn’t on her side this morning and she’s almost positive that if she takes a hot shower, she’ll fall asleep standing upright. 

She grabs the toast Rose holds out for her, as she walks by the kitchen and into her room to get dressed. She chews the dry toast quickly, coughing a little bit when the some of it gets caught in her throat. She struggles pulling on her jeans and shirt and swallows the last piece, gulping it down with water that Finn hands her when she walks out of her room. 

Rose is silently laughing at her, holding two cups of coffee to go. “Ready?”

Rey gives her a smile. “What would I do without you?”

Rose snickers. “Be late for work. But otherwise, you’d survive.”

“Because  _ I’m _ chopped liver, huh?” Finn interjects, a hurt look on his face that disappears within a second when he gives them a small wave. “Have fun at work and try not to spill any coffee on any customers.”

Rey groans. “It was  _ one _ time and the coffee was cold.”

Rose rolls her eyes as they leave, Rey pulling the door shut, closing the door on Finn’s laughing face.   


* * *

They’re two blocks from Maz’s when Rose clears her throat. They’ve been idly talking their entire walk to work, sometimes about school, other times about gossip they heard. Rose talks about Paige and her parents and she also talks about the emails Jannah sends her from wherever in Europe she’s in now. Rey hides a grin behind her coffee cup. Rose talks about how everyone is going out dancing on Friday night and  _ Rey, you’re coming right? Of course you are. It’ll be fun.  _

And Rey laughs, agreeing to go out, swatting at Rose’s fingers as she continuously pokes her. 

They fall into a silence after that. 

_ Until _ Rose clears her throat. 

“Are...are you okay?”

Rey blinks and thinks back to last night. She thinks about the electricity shooting up and down her spine the moment they left their apartment. She thinks about a lot of things but most of all, she thinks that maybe, just  _ maybe _ , she wasn’t as quiet as she thought she was and maybe, just  _ maybe _ , she  _ did _ wake Finn and Rose up. She feels a wave of guilt. 

“I’m fine.” Rey answers automatically. 

Rose looks at her worriedly. “Rey...are you sure?” Rey can hear what she doesn’t say.  _ You can talk to me. I can help you. I want to help you.  _

“I’m fine.” Rey repeats. 

She’s not fine but Rey thinks that if she says it enough, she’ll start to believe it.   
  


* * *

Maz’s Cafe is off the beaten path but close enough that people know about it. Most of them come in for the muffins and coffee but a lot of customers stay for the food. Rey doesn’t mind the morning shift but it can get a bit hectic, especially with just Rose and Rey in the front and the cook in the back. Maz is usually with them but Chewie finally convinced her to take a vacation and the moment she relented, he put her in the car, bags already packed and waved as they made the trek North to their cottage in the forest. 

Rose and Rey are happy for them. 

Han is a little put out that he lost his mechanic and best friend for the week. Leia slapped him over the head and that’s how Rey got suckered into working at the garage for the week. 

Also, because she apparently can’t say  _ no _ to Han Solo, especially when Leia is rolling her eyes at him behind his back. 

The rush is just starting to die down and Rey is clearing off tables and wiping them down when Rose tells her that she’s got a customer who just sat down at table six. 

Rey is nodding along to the music softly playing in the background as she reaches table six. She can see his outline before she actually sees his face and Rey makes a sound in the back of her throat because he  _ fills _ out his side of the booth. Arms splaying on the tops of the booth and she can see black ink on his arms in intricate designs from his rolled up sleeves. She stands to the side of the table, a smile plastered on her face when she lifts her head to look at him. One look seems to be all she needs for her heart to skip a beat and her stomach to fall out from under her. 

_ Oh _ . He has a strong profile with a long, angular nose and moles on the cheek she can see. His hair is glossy and long, brushing the tops of his shoulders. And he’s wide.  _ Built _ . As if he spends his free time at the gym and then his nights running full marathons. 

He turns his head and Rey is almost certain that she gapes at him like a fish. She holds herself from staggering back. His face is split open from an old wound. It’s a faded red but it stands out against his pale skin. 

_ Rey slashes and she feels the blood that oozes from beneath his black mask. His hands automatically cradle his face. She hears him howl, this time loud enough that people start coming out to see the commotion and Rey drops the dagger, scrambling to her feet, her bag of scavenged goods from earlier in the day is left on the ground as she runs away from the crowd and him. The man dressed in black who attacked for no reason other than he could.  _

A throat clears and Rey shakes her head, blinking herself back into the present. He’s staring at her with dark chocolate eyes and she can see that he’s become guarded and almost hostile in his glare and Rey is  _ mortified _ to remember that she got lost in her memory, in her own trauma, while looking at his scar. She feels shameful and she coughs, trying to clear her suddenly dry throat. She gives him a small smile but it comes out more of a grimace, her body trembling from memories she thought she could ignore. “Sorry.” She apologizes quietly, trying desperately, for some unknown reason to tell him that she wasn’t staring  _ at _ him but into her past that won’t leave her alone. “I didn’t sleep well last night and I have a lot on my mind. I wasn’t...it wasn’t...I’m  _ sorry _ .”

He stares at her,  _ studying _ her. And she thinks it’s the perfect word for it.  _ Studying _ . As if he’s dissecting her. All of her freckles, her too wide mouth. Her square jaw, the bags under her eyes, the way her shoulders slouch with tiredness. She doesn’t think she’s ever felt so exposed to someone without even knowing why. 

(That’s a thing Rey realizes, almost everything that has happened to her has left with wondering  _ why _ .  _ Why her? Why? Why? Why? _ ).

“Can I take your order?” She asks, itching to get this awkward meeting over with. 

“Full breakfast. Eggs scrambled. Whole wheat toast.”

“Bacon or ham?”

“Bacon. Extra crispy. Black coffee.”

Rey nods, brows frowning at the breakfast he just ordered, which incidentally is how she likes her breakfast. With other customers, she would make a quip about how they were  _ twinning _ , but she knows not to with him. She slowly breathes in and out. She moves to grab the plastic menu from him. 

She miscalculated, which is  _ odd _ because if there’s anything Rey is good at, it’s calculations, but she reaches for the menu when he lifts it to hand it to her and his fingers graze hers and she jumps back, as if he just jolted her with thousands of volts. The menu, her little notebook and pencil clammer to the floor and Rey is staring at him with something akin to shock. 

He tilts his head, eyes glittering with something she can’t name but it sends a familiar shiver down her spine. “You ok?” He sounds like this is something he  _ has _ to ask. He’s so detached that it feels like he’s judging her, as if he’s measuring her and Rey finds herself growing more irritated and the start of a headache at the base of her head starts to form. 

“Fine.” Rey snaps, grabbing the fallen menu, notebook and pencil. “I’ll be back with your coffee.”

She scurries away, breath coming out heavily as soon as she gets behind the counter and slides the order to the cook in the back. 

Rose eyes her warily. “You okay?” She comes to stand next to her, fiddling with the coffee pots. “Did he say or do anything? I can call the police or something?”

Rey eyes Rose from the corner of her eyes and then her eyes drift to the man at table six. He doesn’t look their way, instead, his eyes follow the mass of people starting their day, studying the city from his little perch with the same intensity he studied Rey with not even minutes ago. “No, it’s fine. It’s just me...I’m feeling off.”

“If you’re sure…?” Rose trails off, unsure how to finish the sentence. 

“I’m sure. I’m fine.”

(One day, Rey is  _ sure _ that she’ll believe what she says.)

* * *

She doesn’t know when he does it, or how someone with his build even manages to do it without her noticing but when she comes back to his table to pour his coffee, his seat is empty. She frowns, scouring the cafe for him, thinking he may have gone to the bathroom, but she notices his jacket is gone, a crumpled twenty dollar bill under the salt and pepper shaker. Rey leans further into the table, catching a glimpse of him from the window. 

He’s imposing in all black, maneuvering his way through the crowds of people like a ghost. 

Rey sighs, sinking into his vacated seat. It’s still warm from him and she gets a whiff of cologne that she sniffs when she and Rose go through department stores and pretend they have enough money to spend on all the expensive items they come across. She puts her head in her hands and sighs deeply, turning her head to look out the window. 

She jolts back when she sees him, across the street, staring at her. Studying her tired figure in his vacated seat. She sucks in a deep breath, blinks and then opens her eyes. 

He’s gone, leaving her bereft for something she can’t name. 

* * *

That night, after her body is exhausted from the diner and the garage, stomach full from Leia’s leftovers and brain tired from her classes, she has no trouble getting to sleep. 

* * *

_ The room is dark but glowing red. Rey is the only one in the room but she can feel another presence. It’s poisonous, toxic, sucking her breath and soul from her being.  _

_ “You stupid girl. You thought you could change him. You thought you could save him? You? Who are you? No one. You’re a nobody. You’ll die a nobody.” _

_ “Who are you? What are you talking about?” Rey’s voice comes out as a snarl, unknown even to her.  _

_ There is a laugh, it’s twisted and she can feel it, as it settles in her bones.  _

_ “He’s mine. He will never be yours.” _

_ “I don’t know who you’re talking about!” Rey cries out and before she can do anything else, she can feel a presence behind her. She turns around, ready to lash out, ready to fight and but she finds that she can’t because although she can’t see his body, she does see dark chocolate eyes and a scar bisecting an angular face littered with moles.  _

_ He reaches for her and for a split second, Rey thinks he means to help her, to pull her from this nightmare, but instead, his arms wrap around her throat and he squeezes _ .

_ Rey lets out a gasp. _

And for the second night in a row, Rey wakes with a strangled cry and a gasp that echoes the one she had in her nightmare. Sweat is pooling on her sheets and she struggles for breath, as if she’s still feeling the effects from his choking. 

She throws the bedsheets away from her and bolts out of bed, banging into her bedside table. She curls into the corner of her room, struggling to clear her mind. 

There is commotion outside her room and exchanged whispers before her door opens and Rose peers in, the light from the living room blinding Rey for a second. “Rey?” Rose calls out gently, stepping carefully into her room. Finn follows but hovers just outside her room. Rose’s eyes fall on Rey’s figure, curled into the corner and even in the faded light, Rey can see Rose’s face morph into compassion and sympathy. “Hey girl, what are you doing on the floor?”

Rey struggles to get the words out. “I just...it was just a nightmare. I thought...I just...needed to not be in the bed.” Rey won’t ever tell Rose and Finn but sometimes, it’s weird for her to be in a bed. She sometimes feels guilty about sleeping in a bed when she knows that so many people in Jakku don’t have a bed or mattress or  _ anything _ . She sometimes feels guilty that she’s still alive when she should have died a dozen times over. “I’m fine.”

“ _ Rey _ .” Rose says her name again and takes a step closer. 

Rey tenses up and she can see the flash of hurt that crosses Rose’s face and then understanding. She can see Finn reach out to Rose, pulling her back. “You okay now, Peanut?” 

She thinks Finn gets it sometimes. Out of everyone, she thinks Finn is the most understanding of her predicament, of her state of being. But Finn is one of the lucky ones, adopted when he was younger by an older couple who still call him on a daily basis. She thinks that Finn understands her but then she’s reminded that  _ no one  _ understands her. 

“I’m fine.” Rey tells them. “I promise I’m fine.”

Rose doesn’t believe her and neither does Finn but they grant her the privacy of trying to gather her thoughts and feelings. 

She doesn’t. Instead, she drags the covers off her bed and curls into the corner, willing herself to drift off into a sleep with no nightmares. 

(She’s only slightly successful.)

* * *

Before she finally drifts off into sleep, she idly wonders if somewhere, the man with dark chocolate eyes and a scar bisecting his face littered with moles and beauty marks, is kept awake by nightmares. 


	2. Winning you was easy (but darkness was the price)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR RESPONSE! It really means a lot to me! I hope you guys enjoy the next chapter! Title of the chapter and the song further in the chapter is from Leonard Cohen’s song The Darkness.
> 
> Thanks again for your comments/kudos! As always, your love is very much appreciated and the balm to my soul in these very trying times right now. Much love and hope you enjoy!

Rey opens her eyes, a persistent soft melody piercing the air, _alarm clock_ , her brain supplies. Rey groans, shifting against the floor, dragging the cover with her as she half crawls, half stumbles towards her bed and grabs her phone from where it's plugged in on the bedside table. She silences the alarm clock and sighs, leaning against her bed. 

She can hear Finn and Rose outside her door and she can hear the exchanged hisses. Rey winces when she gets off the floor, rubbing her tailbone and opening the door to her room. She stares at her two best friends and leans against the doorframe. “I promise I’m okay.”

“It’s not that we don’t think you’re okay, Peanut.” Finn replies instantly, almost as if his response is practiced. 

“We just want to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself. And that you know we’re here for you.” Rose tells her a moment after Finn. _Oh, it’s definitely practiced_ , Rey thinks.

Rey nods, grabbing her towel from the day before and makes her way to the bathroom. “I know.” When she gets to the bathroom, she closes the door and leans against it. She lets herself have a moment and then goes to the sink to wash her face and brush her teeth. She does get into the shower that morning, after remembering that she didn’t shower when she came home the night before and currently, her stomach is revolting from the smell emitting from her pores. 

She lets the water heat up, shoulders sagging in relief when warm water spills over her body as she lathers up in soap, watching in childlike fascination as it bubbles around her when she rinses. 

She leans her head against the shower wall and closes her eyes. 

It comes in flashes. 

_An arm. A hand. The glint of the dagger. The ruby red hilt. The way it felt to slice through skin. Her scream. His howl._

She jolts and turns the water off in a hurry. Toweling off and trembling from the sudden cool air that hits her skin. She wraps her towel around her, grabbing a smaller towel from underneath the sink and running it roughly through her hair that didn’t escape the spray from the shower.

Like clockwork, Rose holds out two pieces of toast and Rey takes them, giving her a grateful smile full of dry toast and makes her way to her room to get changed. She’s slipping her socked feet into sneakers and grabbing her backpack when Rose shouts that they need to leave.

She gulps the water that Finn leaves out for her. 

“Don’t forget,” Finn calls out before Rey shuts the door, “I’m staying at Poe’s tonight.”

Rose huffs a laugh and rolls her eyes. “Yeah, we remember from the twenty other times you told us since Sunday.” She gives Rey a wicked grin as she shuts the door. “Have fun. Be safe. Use protection.”

Rey hears Finn squawk and she and Rose giggle as they make their way down the stairs and into the city just as it starts to come to life. 

* * *

It’s a question that’s been on Rey’s mind for a while, brought to forefront the day before when Rose mentioned her. “Do you miss her?” At Rose’s perplexed expression, Rey clarifies. “Jannah. Does it...bother you to see Poe and Finn or even Snap and Kay happy when you…” _could have that with Jannah but don’t for some unknown reason?_ Rey usually stays out of her friends’ personal lives. Out of their love lives, unless they come to her, but she _knows_ Jannah and how much Jannah likes Rose. She _knows_ Rose and how much Rose likes Jannah and can’t seem to understand why they’re not together. 

Why be unhappy and miserable in unrequited love, when everything they want, when everything they’re looking for is within arm’s reach?

Rose tilts her head and lets out a sigh. It’s a tired sigh and Rey feels guilty when the thought that Rose likely spent the entire night awake, ears peeled for anymore disturbance from Rey’s room, makes itself known in her mind. “Of course I miss her.” Rose’s response is so soft and quiet that Rey almost misses it. _Almost_. “And for the record, no. It doesn’t bother me to see Poe and Finn together or Snap and Kaydel or literally any other couple. I’m happy for them, I am. Truly.”

Rey senses a _but_ coming. 

“But yeah, I do miss her.”

“Are you going to do anything when she comes back?”

Rose gives her the side-eye. “I wasn’t planning on it.”

“You _should_ .” Rey is resolute. “You two are _perfect_ for each other and you _know_ it. And I don’t...I don’t…” Rose has stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and is looking at Rey with her head cocked, waiting for her to finish her sentence. “I don’t want you to be alone anymore. You deserve to have someone who loves you wholly and fully and selflessly, you know?”

Rose gives her a brilliant smile. It’s the one that makes Rey feel better about herself, about the state of the world, about _everything_. It’s the one, that without fail, makes her smile too. “You think I should make my move?”

Rey nods eagerly. “We all do. You deserve to be happy, Rose. You deserve to be loved.”

Rose gives her a push with her shoulder and they continue walking to Maz’s Cafe. “You know,” Rose starts after a few minutes of silence. “The same applies to you. You deserve to have someone who loves you wholly and fully and selflessly. You deserve to be happy, Rey. More than anyone.”

_(No one will ever love you, girl. Not even your own parents love you. Stop dreaming and get it through your thick skull. No one’s coming back for you)._

Rey hums noncommittally, “Yeah. Maybe.”

“You do.” Rose presses. “Or at the very least, you need a good boning. You know?”

Rey chokes on air. “ _Rose_!”

Rose bursts into laughter. “Oh yeah, we definitely need to get you laid.”

* * *

Rey’s back is facing the door, separating utensils, when it opens and she hears the bell ding. She doesn’t even have to look at the mirror on the wall to know it’s him. There’s something about his presence, something about his energy that cackles around her, that makes her aware of his every step and movement. Rose drags her eyes from the magazine she had been flipping through idly and blinks at him. “You can take a seat wherever you’d like.”

She follows him from the corner of her eyes and somehow isn’t surprised when he takes a seat at table six. 

Rose glances at Rey and raises her eyebrows in a question. _Do you want me to take him?_

Rey shakes her head and grabs a menu. She sucks in a deep breath, straightening her shoulders and making her way to him. She places the menu in front of him. He’s staring at her by the time she’s upright again, eyes trailing over her, studying her in the same way he did yesterday. 

She wonders if she looks as tired as she feels. “Black coffee?”

His facial expression doesn’t move but his eyes crinkle, just a little bit. “You remembered.”

Rey blinks at him. “It’s...black coffee. Nothing special.”

The strangest thing happens then, there is a slight blush that stretches across his cheeks and if she weren’t looking at him, she wouldn’t have noticed, but as it stands, she _is_ looking at him, trying to study him in the same way he studies her. “Black coffee.” He repeats. “Full breakfast, eggs scrambled, bacon extra crispy and whole wheat toast.”

Rey nods, writing everything down even though she knows it already. “Are you going to stick around for them this time?” For the second time that morning, the words are out of her mouth before she can stop them and she cringes. 

He cocks an eyebrow. “Did it go to waste?”

Rey snorts and then bites her lip, aware of the way his eyes dipped for just a second to her teeth gnawing her bottom lip raw. “No.” She tells him. “Rose and I shared it.” As if Rey would let food go to waste. Rose was only too happy to eat with her. 

Rose let her have the extra piece of bacon because Rose knows how much Rey loves bacon. 

He nods and makes a humming sound. “And Rose is the other waitress?”

Rey frowns. “She’s one of my best friends and roommates.”

He nods again, eyes bright for the information she’s willingly sharing and Rey snaps her mouth shut, shoving her little notebook into the back pocket of her jeans. She _knows_ better than to give information to a stranger. _Rey knows better._ If Jakku taught her anything, it was how to persevere, how to take care of herself and how to be careful. Except for the time she wasn’t careful and almost got herself killed. “I’ll be back with your coffee.”

She grabs the notebook from her back pocket and slips the paper to the chef, turning around and leans against the counter behind her. Rose joins her after a second. “You good?”

Rey nods absentmindedly, glancing at the man with the scar on his face, chocolate eyes and body that seems to take up the space she breathes. “Yeah, it’s just...he...I don’t know, he reminds me of someone. _Something_. I don’t know.”

“If you want, I’ll take care of him. Or like, kick him out. I’ve been itching to kick someone out since we first opened.”

Rey snickers and grabs a pot of coffee, pouring the black liquid into a white porcelain cup. “Anyone ever tell you that you’re vicious?”

Rose blows her a kiss. “You love it.”

Rey is still smiling when she places the cup of coffee in front of him. He’s on his phone, typing away and Rey’s eyes are drawn to his arms, veins cording his forearms and the black ink prominent against his pale skin. “The food will be just a little bit longer.”

He nods, typing in something else before turning the phone over, face down onto the table. He turns his body to look at her, one arm propped against the table and the other propped on the top of the booth. “You look tired.” He comments softly. “Still not getting enough sleep?”

Rey’s breath catches and her hand automatically goes to her throat, as if his words summon her dream from last night and the memory she’s been trying to forget. “How did you know…”

He cocks an eyebrow at her. “You mentioned it yesterday, that you were _having trouble sleeping_.”

She vaguely remembers telling him that after she was caught staring at his face, which she still maintains that she _wasn’t_. “Right. Yeah, it’s been...busy.”

He nods like he understands what it means to lose sleep. “I get it. Hope you get some sleep soon.”

She nods once, hurrying towards Rose when she calls her name. She grabs his food and makes her way back over to him, placing the plate of food in front of him. She asks if he needs anything else and he shakes his head, turning his head to face his plate. Rey swallows and then walks back to take her seat at the counter, sorting through the rest of the utensils. 

There’s another little rush that has both Rey and Rose preoccupied and when Rey looks over at table six, she notices that he’s gone. She frowns, feet taking her to the now empty table. She grabs the twenty dollar bill he placed under his still full cup of warm cup of coffee and frowns at the plate full of untouched food. 

Rey balances everything and puts them on the counter in front of Rose. Rose looks at the food and scrunches her nose. “He didn’t eat anything?”

Rey shakes her head slowly, sliding the twenty towards Rose, gesturing to her to settle the bill. “Strange, huh? I’m tempted to eat it.”

Rose shrugs. “Do it.”

“It would be weird though, yeah? I mean it was in front of him. It was different yesterday when I didn’t hand it to him but this was in front of him. It _would be weird_.”

“Rey,” Rose says. “ _He’s weird_ .” She grabs a piece of toast and bites into it. “There, now _I’ve_ eaten something from the plate too. So if you die, so do I.”

Rey snorts and grabs two clean forks, handing one to Rose wordlessly, digging into the breakfast while the city moves around them.

* * *

“How’s everything going, kid?” Han asks her from underneath his old Falcon that won’t stop breaking down. 

“Good.” Rey answers him. “Busy.”

“Yeah? You look real busy. You also look _tired_.”

Rey sighs. “I’m fine.”

Han snorts and slides out from underneath the Falcon. “Yeah, and I’m _Santa Claus_.”

Rey lets out a surprised mocking gasp while still working on the Honda in front of her. “I _knew_ you looked familiar.”

The thing with Han is that she’s been looking at him almost every day for the past five years. She’s celebrated birthdays, holidays and random barbecues with him and everyone else around him for the past five years but somehow, in this moment, joking about Santa Claus, she finds that Han _really does look familiar_ to her and she can’t for the life of her, place from where. 

“Want to talk?” He holds his breath and Rey can almost feel the anxiety roll off of him and how much he absolutely _does not want to talk_. 

“No, I’m fine. You can tell Leia I’m fine too.”

He makes his way towards her and straddles the bench near her. She can hear his bones creak and she can see him wince as he sits down, grumbling about how he’s _not so young anymore_ . “You know Leia worries. You know _I_ worry. We just...we can’t help but worry about our kids, ya know?”

Rey blinks back sudden tears. _No_. She doesn’t know how it's like to worry about other kids. She knows what it’s like to worry about Rose and Finn. She knows what it’s like to worry about Leia, Han, Chewie and Maz. But she’s never known what it’s like for adults, for the two people who she’s considered parental figures to actually care and worry about her. 

“I’ll talk when I’m ready.” She tells him softly. 

He nods and pats her on the shoulder awkwardly. “Take your time, sweetheart. Leia and I will be here when you’re ready.”

Rey smiles at him gratefully and then she gets back to work.

* * *

(Kids. Han said. _Kids_. Plural. 

Rey likes to think Rose and Finn are lumped into that category, and they _are_ , in a manner of speaking. But _this_ . _This_ is something else).

* * *

It’s a memory, a small one, but looking back, Rey thinks this is what started everything.

_When Lor San Tekka takes her to Han and Leia’s, she doesn’t think he would leave her there. But he does. He tells her that she’ll be safe and that he trusts them and that she will be_ safe _and_ happy here. _He keeps reiterating the safe part, as if that’s supposed to help._

_He’s not leaving her, he tells her, he’s just entrusting her to someone else to give her everything Jakku couldn’t._

_Rey still cries. She still asks him not to leave and to take her with him because she knows Lor San Tekka. She knows the old man who would give her extra food sometimes and who helped her with severe sunburn another time. She_ knows _him._

_She doesn’t know these people. She doesn’t know if they’re like Unkar Plutt. She doesn’t know if they’re like everyone else in Jakku, who takes and takes and takes until there’s nothing left._

_In the end, through watery eyes, he says his own goodbyes and leaves her in a house with strangers who are looking at her with gentle smiles. Rey’s lungs rattle in her chest._

_The woman, Leia, picks up her bag and gestures to the stairs. “Come on,” she says gently, treading softly around Rey. “I’ll show you your room.”_

_The room looks like it has been slept in for over a decade. The only thing that strikes her is that it’s not dusty as it should be and she idly thinks that it must be cleaned weekly. Probably by a cleaning service. But even that doesn’t make sense. The room is too_ personal _for strangers to clean._

_The sheets are dark. There is a mahogany desk in the corner with a computer chair and blackout curtains. There are posters of bands that Rey has only heard of in passing. Dave Matthews Band. Leonard Cohen. Foo Fighters. She can see a case of CD’s and an old CD player in a box in the corner and thinks that whoever this room belonged to, Leia couldn’t bring herself to throw anything out._

_“Did this room belong to anyone?” Rey questions._

_There is brief look of mourning that dances across Leia’s eyes and her face crumples in what looks like abject grief and Rey finds herself horrified that she elicited that reaction from the woman who has literally welcomed her into her home with open arms and only a few questions, not pushing Rey to say anything she didn’t want to say. “It used to.” She clears her throat. “Our son.”_

_“Is he going to come back?” Rey knows the answer before she finishes the question. The room in its mausoleum state gives her enough of an answer._

_“No.” Leia tells her softly, voice still choked up with emotion. “He’s gone.”_

(It’s the beginning of the end and no one even knew it).

* * *

Rey just hit send on one of her assignments at the school library, thankful that she’s almost done and _God_ , she’s _never_ doing summer courses again, when her phone rings. She glances at the caller ID and makes a slight noise. “Hey Kay, everything okay?”

She hears grumbling on the other end of the line and then Kaydel’s sharp voice reprimanding someone. “ _Rey? Sorry to do this but knucklehead over here - oh for fuck’s sake,_ shut-up _Snap - burnt his hand. It’s not too bad but he’s whining and I tried cleaning it as best as I can but I do think he should go to see a doctor. Rose isn’t answering her phone and Maz is in the middle of nowhere and-”_

“I’ll be there as fast as I can. Is Snap okay though?”

Kaydel sighs and Rey can just imagine the blonde rubbing her forehead. “ _He’ll be fine, he’s just a big sook.”_

_“I burnt my hand!”_ Rey hears Snap yell.

_“Because you were an idiot! Who the fuck forgets that the_ stove _is on?”_

Rey hangs up because she doesn’t want to get in the middle of Kaydel’s and Snap arguments that always somehow turn out to be some kind of foreplay for them. She hikes her backpack higher and jogs to the Maz’s Cafe. She’s not surprised to find Kaydel and Snap face-to-face, mouths flying with playful insults and teases and a charged look between them. Snap’s hand is wrapped in white gauze. “I’m here.” Rey breathes, shedding her jacket and throwing her bag underneath the counter. 

“Thanks for this Rey. I’ll cover a shift for you this week, I promise.” Kaydel says. 

Rey waves her off. “Don’t worry about it.” She pats Snap on the back. “Get better, bud.”

Snap gives her a smile and shrug. 

Kaydel gives her a wave with her fingers and ushers Snap out the door. “There shouldn’t be much to do. It’s been a slow night and it’s just closing up.”

“Get out of here. I got this.”

* * *

Rey has her phone plugged into the speaker on shuffle and the soft strums of a guitar echo throughout the quiet cafe as she starts to close up. She’s on her way back to the counter after she flipped the _Open_ sign to _Closed_ when she hears the door open and the bell ding and curses that she forgot to _lock_ the doors. 

_I caught the darkness, it was drinking from your cup_

“Sorry, we’re closed.”

“Got any coffee left?”

She turns quickly, surprised at the voice. 

She should have been more careful, aware that she just mopped the floor. She can feel her feet slip and she’s prepared to meet the ground, except she _doesn’t_ and instead, arms wrap around her waist and pull her into a chest that has no right to be as soft as it is when it’s built of muscle from what she can feel under the palms of her hands that are pressed between their bodies.

She can feel his heartbeat under her hands and she instinctively curls her fingers into his pecs and his muscles twitch at the contact. She drops her hands as if she burnt them on him. 

_The present’s not that pleasant, just a lot of things to do, I thought the past would last me, but the darkness got that too_

“Thanks.” She breathes out, eyes meeting his. 

“You should be a bit more careful.”

“You shouldn’t startle me like that.”

“I didn’t realize you would almost crack your head open on a wet floor.”

“I wouldn’t have if you just respected the _Closed_ sign.”

He doesn’t smile but the corner of his lips twitch upwards and he shrugs. “I don’t really play by the rules.” 

“I can see that.” There is a beat of silence. “Why do you order food if you’re not going to eat it?”

“I like the coffee here and I think it’s rude to not order anything other than coffee if I’m sitting at a booth.”

“You don’t drink your coffee either.” She pauses. “We have to go cups for your coffee.”

“I’m a busy man and if I didn’t sit at a booth, I’d be deprived of company.”

Rey shakes her head, suddenly exhausted at this back and forth. She looks down and sees that his arms are still around her waist. “You can let go of me now.”

He obeys instantly, arms letting her go. He takes a step back. 

_I should’ve seen it coming, it was right behind your eyes, you were young and it was summer, I just had to take a dive_

“What are you doing here? You don’t usually work nights.”

“How do _you_ know when I _work_?”

He shrugs and gives her a plain look. “I work around here and this place is on my way home. You’re usually not in. But I saw that you were.”

“So you decided to just walk in? Because you saw me?”

_(He’s weird, Rey)._

He has the decency to look guilty and he runs a hand over the back of his neck. “Just thought it was weird to see you here at night.” He gives her that barely there half smile again and Rey can feel her knees shake. “And I wanted to see if there was still some coffee.”

Rey looks at the half pot of coffee and rolls her eyes, walking behind the counter and grabbing a plastic cup and filling it up. She puts on a plastic lid and sets it in front of him. She turns on the tap and rinses the pot out a few times before she tips it upside down on a clean cloth to air dry. “Only because it was going to go to waste anyways.”

He takes a seat on one of the stools at the counter and fiddles with the coffee cup. “You don’t like seeing food go to waste, do you?”

_Hey I don’t miss it baby, I got no taste for anything at all_

Rey’s breath catches, eyes blinking. “No.” She croaks out. “It’s not...I don’t…” she can’t form the words to tell him that where she grew up, everyone took and took and took until there was nothing left and didn’t take food for granted, even if it was just scraps. She can’t form the words to tell him that she knows what _hunger_ is like, she knows what it’s like to cry from being hungry, she knows what it’s like to think you’re going to _die_ without food. She can’t form the words to tell him any of that. 

Not that she usually can. She hasn’t even told Finn and Rose the worst parts of her childhood, instead, they just scrape the surface from her nightmares and the little she told them of how she ended up here. 

Rey doesn’t normally talk about her past, doesn’t like thinking about being hungry, about being beaten, about almost dying. She doesn’t talk about how Unkar Plutt terrified her for years and how she slept with her bo staff next to her and a dull pocket knife underneath her shitty excuse of a pillow. 

Rey thinks she’s selective about telling people about her past because she’s ashamed of it. Ashamed of what her past made her become. But then she thinks that she _shouldn’t_ be _ashamed_ , because she _survived_ . Where so many didn’t, _Rey survived._

So, it doesn’t surprise Rey that she can’t form the words to tell him _any_ of this. What _does_ surprise Rey is that she _wants_ to. 

He frowns and picks up his coffee when she doesn’t answer him. “Right, well, I’ll just go.”

_(Don’t leave. Come back._

_Come back)._

“I’m Rey.” She blurts out. 

She doesn’t hold out her hand for him to shake. Neither does he.

He nods, one of his hands shoved into the pocket of his dress pants and the other clutching his coffee cup. “Nice to meet you, Rey. I’m Kylo.” 

Rey can’t help it. She _can’t_ . Because it doesn’t _fit_ . Looking at him, the name doesn’t fit the man. She snorts. “That’s a stupid name.” And then she’s _horrified_.

There’s a pause and his lips quirk again, eyes briefly lighting up. “It is, isn’t it?” He asks softly, and it reminds Rey of one of her old professors who questioned everything with a _softness_ , as if every word that came out of his mouth was part of some greater existential crisis. Kylo has the same voice, that same expression, as if realizing his name is ridiculous is philosophical. As if, he’s just starting to question his identity and everything he is. “Are you headed out now?”

_But I caught the darkness baby, and I got it worse than you_

She shakes her head. “I’ve got to finish closing up.” She takes a deep breath. “I’ll see you tomorrow, though.” It’s a stupid hopeful wish, one that she doesn’t even realize she’s making and when she does, she can’t seem to know _why_ , other than she wants to continue hearing his voice and smell his cologne and get lost in his eyes. 

(And there’s something _so familiar_ about him that it eats at her bones.)

“See you tomorrow, Rey.” He pauses, hand on the door handle, when he looks over his shoulder, piercing her in place with his stare. “Leonard Cohen. You’ve got good taste in music.” He gives her a smile and it’s sad and twisted and tells at something _more_ but then he’s gone. He leaves her the same way he always does, bereft of something she can’t quite name.

_I caught the darkness, drinking from your cup, I said is this contagious? You said just drink it up._

* * *

Rey locks up the cafe and makes her way back home, not concentrating on her journey. 

If she did, she would have noticed the to-go cup full of coffee next to the trash in front of the cafe. 

Instead, she thinks about him. _Kylo_. A name that doesn’t fit him. She puts her earphones in, presses play and the song from earlier restarts. She’s lost in the song and her way back home, she ignores the familiar tingling sensation down her spine that tells her she should be more careful. That she’s being watched. 

_I caught the darkness, it was drinking from your cup_

* * *

She dreams in bursts. 

_Twisted snarls and daggers with ruby red hilts. Sand and arms wrapped around her neck._

_And then, it shifts, to strong arms wrapped around her waist, a chest made of solid muscle and yet still so soft, chocolate eyes with a scar bisecting his face and a soft voice in her ear,_ it’s just the beginning, Rey.

_Rey_. 

_Rey_. 

When Rey wakes up that night, it’s with a gasp of a different kind and the sweat that soaks her body isn’t from fear but from something else entirely.

She huffs and gets out of bed, walking towards her window and jacking it open, leaning against the wall and relishing in the slight breeze that trails along her body. 

Taking a deep breath, Rey moves back to bed, sinks back underneath the covers and twists until she’s facing her open window, closing her eyes and willing herself to sleep. 

It’s when she’s finally succumbing to oblivion that Rose’s earlier words drift teasingly across her mind, _we need to get you laid._

It’s strange how when she thinks about it now, the only face that flits through her mind is a man with a scar on his face, chocolate eyes and an odd name that doesn’t fit him at all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again! Hope everyone is staying safe!


	3. We’re strange allies (with warring hearts)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thanks for your responses! It means so so so much to me! I’m glad that you’re liking this story!!! Title of this chapter comes from Dave Matthews Band song Space Between. 
> 
> Some warnings: there is talk about negative body image perception for both men and women, there’s allusions to abuse, there is allusions to racism. They’re pretty brief but i did want to just call this out before you continue reading in case these are triggers for people. 
> 
> Thanks again for all of your love and appreciation. I hope you enjoy this next chapter! Also! Hope you all had a good weekend!

Rey wakes up before her alarm clock can go off and before Finn and Rose. She spends a few minutes trying to reorient herself by staring at the ceiling. She doesn’t bother going back to sleep, knowing it would be a waste of time. Instead, she makes her way to the bathroom, swiping a clean towel from the linen closet, brushing her teeth and washing her face before jumping into the shower. Her mind is strangely empty, void of memories she has always longed to forget and instead when she closes her eyes for longer than normal, relishing in the warm water on her skin, chocolate eyes stare back at her. She lets out a groan, head leaning against the cool tile. 

The thing with Rey is that she doesn’t get  _ attached _ . She has her core group, Rose, Finn, Han, Leia, Kaydel, Maz, Chewie and by extension per Finn and Kaydel, Poe and Snap but Rey keeps a distance from almost everyone else. 

And even with them, with the people she has come to trust and love, she still hasn’t told them everything. They, like everyone else, get tidbits of her life, of the life she escaped from but can’t seem to forget, when  _ she _ wants to give it to them. Part of her feels guilty, because they want to help, she knows they do, but she doesn’t think they can. This...this is on her. It always was and it always will be. It doesn’t mean that she’s not thankful to them. She is. But she keeps her secrets close because they’re  _ hers _ . If she doesn’t have her secrets, what does she have?

It’s not like she’s lost in a fairytale, Rey has lived through enough to know that fairytales don’t exist and in the same breath that  _ she _ has secrets,  _ everyone else _ has their own secrets. She barely knows of Chewie’s past, just that he escaped a war-torn European country and refuses to talk to anyone but Han and Maz about it. She doesn’t know everything from Finn’s life before he finally got adopted, other than it wasn’t good. She only glimpses Snap’s body insecurity and Kaydel’s determination to claw her way to the top and give the middle finger to all the men who have told her to  _ sit down and look pretty _ . She knows that Rose’s vehement justice for equality comes from personal experiences that came before Rey was a blip on her radar.

She knows that Leia and Han have their own secrets. She sees it in the loaded glances between each other. She hears it in their explosive arguments muffled behind closed doors and then the slam of the door when Han leaves and when Leia cries at the kitchen table. 

Most of all, she thinks about the secrets her old room must have carried, the secrets of the dead son that continues to haunt the family that Rey has come to love so much. 

_ Han is still working on his Falcon and Rey joins him when she’s finished with her tasks. He humours and tells her stories about the Falcon and everything they’ve been through. He tells her that Leia hates the car, that Luke once crashed it and Ben always wanted to have it.  _

_ Ben.  _

_ It’s a name that she hasn’t heard before and she latches onto it.  _

_ “Who’s Ben?” Rey asks, tilting her head to the side.  _

_ Han freezes. His entire body seizes as if someone stabbed him. He sets his tools down and closes the hood of the car, taking a rag and wiping his hands. He leans against the Falcon and Rey notices that he looks ten years older in this one moment. “Ben was our son.” _

Was _. Past tense. Fuck.  _

_ And then she remembers the first night she was there, the room she’s sleeping in and Leia’s soft voice, full of grief. Rey has never felt like an imposter before. She has never felt less than wanted in Han and Leia’s house but now, in this moment, she can’t help but feel like she’s encroaching on territory that isn’t hers. That will never be hers.  _

_ “I’m sorry.” Rey whispers. “I didn’t mean to...I’m sorry.” _

_ Han shrugs and runs a hand down his weathered and tired face. “He’s been gone for over a decade but it still...hurts.” _

_ Rey doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t know if anything she says can remotely quantify what he’s possibly feeling. “I’m sure that he knew you loved him and that you did your best.”  _

_ Han snorts and it’s dark and bitter and it twists Rey’s insides. “No kid, we really didn’t.” He takes in a deep breath and walks towards the front door. “Let’s see what Leia’s got cooking.” _

_ She knows a change of subject when she hears one and so Rey grabs her stuff from the office and follows him out of the garage, taking one last glance at the Falcon that has already been through so much and never got to make memories it would have with its should-have-been inheritor. _

_ Everyone is entitled to their secrets  _ and it’s this thought that makes Rey feel less guilty of not confiding in them, despite their reaching out. And they  _ did _ reach out, always.

She remembers spending the day after Lor San Tekka left, barricaded in Han and Leia’s dead son’s room ( _ Ben’s _ room, she’ll come to think of it. It will never be her room, not really. Instead, it’ll always be Ben’s room). She  _ would _ have gone the day without eating, it wouldn’t have been anything new, if Leia hadn’t knocked on the door after lunch, asking her softly to  _ please come out and eat _ .  _ We’re not going to hurt you, we just want to help _ . 

She thinks it might have been her voice that made her come out. Or it might have been the way that this all felt familiar in a bizarre way. It’s bizarre, because Rey never had parents, none that she could remember anyways, so why this, why a woman knocking on the door, pleading for her to  _ come out and eat _ and to  _ let them help _ , felt familiar she’ll never know. 

Sometimes, late at night, she’ll remember that day and she’ll think that it didn’t have to do with Leia’s voice or her pleas and everything to do with the dead son that used to live in that room and how it wasn’t familiar to Rey but it was probably familiar to Leia. 

It wasn’t long after that Maz and Chewie came along and even less when Rose bounded through the doors asking Han for a tool and coming to a complete stop to take Rey in. 

Rey remembers what she looked like. She remembers catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror of a bathroom in a run down gas station. Her hair hadn’t been washed in almost four days. She was walking with a limp, mainly because of her ordeal but the fact that she opted to sleep on the floor instead of the bed may have had something to do with it as well. She hadn’t changed her clothes. She had bags under her eyes and faded bruises around her neck and body. In short, when Rey first met Rose and everyone else, she looked like shit.

_ Rose took one look at her and smiled. “We’re going to be best friends, you and I. And Finn too but he’s not here right now because he’s an idiot who forgot he had a paper due.” _

_ “Again?” Han asked, snorting in laughter.  _

_ Rose shrugs, “Look, I can only work so many miracles at once.” _

She stayed with Leia and Han for a while, at least until she finished her GED, at Leia’s insistence and Han’s amusement. She didn’t want to disappoint them, she really didn’t, so when Leia not so subtly shoved some college pamphlets at her, Rey remembers gulping and taking them in her shaking hands. 

_ “I never...I never thought I would go to college.” _

_ “You’re not in Jakku anymore, Rey.” Leia tells her softly, hand reaching out and clasping one of hers. “You can do anything and go anywhere you want. You can be anything.” _

I just want to be loved _ , Rey thinks. She swallows a lump in the back of her throat and looks up, seeing Leia’s hopeful face and it’s in that moment that Rey realizes that she would do anything for this woman and her husband and their ragtag group of friends.  _ I just want a family to call my own. __

Rey doesn’t  _ get _ attached, sometimes she does, but most of the time, she keeps her distance. She finds that she  _ can’t _ get attached because getting attached means that people  _ leave _ , either willingly or because they’ve died. It’s not something that Rey likes thinking about. In fact, it’s something that she’s well-accustomed to and  _ hates _ it. So, she keeps her distance because it means that she’s  _ safe _ . 

Which is why it’s a bit of a surprise to her when her mind keeps going back to Kylo. 

* * *

“You’re up early.” Rose mentions when she makes her way into their small kitchen. 

Rey nods, gesturing to her open textbook. “Just trying to cram some last minute studying in before the exam. Is Kaydel still coming in the morning?”

Rose nods, grabbing the eggs and toast from the fridge. “Yeah. Snap is fine, minor burn and they wrapped it up. She messaged when they got home last night. She’s good to come in and help. Are you sure you’re going to be okay with taking the lunch shift?”

Rey nods, stretching out in her chair. “Yeah. I should be there around eleven, after I finish this exam from hell.”

“Save your notes for me. I’m taking it next semester.” Rose shoves her food in her mouth and Rey goes back to studying. Not long after, Rose plants a kiss on the crown of Rey’s head after she puts her dishes in the sink. “Gotta get to work. I’ll see you later tonight. I’ll let you know if dark, tall, mysterious and way too big for his own good comes in.”

Rey taps her pencil against her book absentmindedly. “Kylo.” She mutters distractedly. 

Rose’s eyebrows disappear into her bangs. “ _ What _ ?”

Rey frowns and erases something she wrote down. “His name is Kylo.”

“Interesting. Didn’t realize you were on a first name basis with him.”

“He came in last night after close.”

If possible, Rose’s eyebrows disappear even higher. “You were  _ closed _ and he just walked in? Like  _ what _ ? A fucking  _ psycho-stalker _ ?”

It’s not anything that  _ hasn’t _ crossed her mind. Last night  _ was _ weird. She thought it to herself all the way home, intermittently while thinking about his arms around her waist. “He wanted coffee.”

“So, why didn’t he go to a Starbucks? Or you know, any place that was actually  _ open _ ?”

“Rose, I have no idea.” Rey says tiredly. “I’m just trying to get through this exam and then the one on Friday and then enjoy the small week break I have until our last year of University.”

Rose lets out a sigh and grabs her keys. “I just want you to know that it’s  _ weird _ . Like he’s hot, don’t get me wrong but he also just...gives me the wrong vibe. It’s like he’s one second away from sprouting  _ Hamlet _ or something. And we all know how I feel about  _ Hamlet _ .”

The thing is, _everyone_ _does_ know how Rose feels about _Hamlet_. Rose, Rey, Finn, Kaydel and Jannah all took the same literature class during first year and Rose went head-to-head with their professor about how Hamlet is a _little bitch_. Rey is sure the video of Rose losing her _absolute shit_ and the professor shrieking so loudly, other students peeked in to see if someone was dying, is somewhere on the internet. Rey is in the video, it was hard not to be when she sat next to Rose and couldn’t stop laughing until she cried. 

Rey bursts out laughing. “You’re ridiculous. I’ll see you later.”

“Good luck on the exam!” Rose yells over her shoulder as she leaves the apartment with a slam of the door. 

“I’m going to need it,” Rey huffs before she goes back to her book.

* * *

In the middle of her exam, when Rey is lost in equations and questions, her phone, tightly wrapped in a plastic bag in her backpack at the front, buzzes. She doesn’t hear it, the noise drowned out by the steady hum of the air-conditioning unit in the lecture hall. It isn’t until she hands in her exam, thankful to be done with the class and gnawing at her thumb because she  _ honestly doesn’t know how she did _ , and worse case scenario, she  _ fails _ and has to retake it, which while humiliating would likely be easier the second time around, that she takes out her phone to see the missed messages.

They’re both from Rose.

_ Your boy came in. Took one look, saw it was me and Kaydel, glared and then left. He’s fucking weird.  _

_ Also. Who the fuck wears all black in the middle of summer? _

* * *

“Did you get my message?” Rose asks the moment Rey makes her way into the cafe. “Also, how’d the exam go?”

“I did get your message and as evident by not responding, I’m not answering it.” She chuckles at Rose’s exasperated facial expression. “Also, the exam? I have no idea. I feel like it could go either way.”

“I’m sure you aced it.” Rose is taking off her apron and shoves it underneath the counter. “You good if I leave? Paige messaged that she’s in the city for the day.”

Rey smiles wide. “Of course. Tell Paige I say  _ hi _ .”

Rose gives a wiggle of her fingers and is out the door before Rey can finish her sentence. Rey chuckles and ties her own apron around her waist. She doesn’t blame Rose for being excited and eager to leave. Although Rose is her best friend, Rey has always admired her sister Paige. Paige, who seems to be effortlessly cool in her leather jacket, ripped jeans and aviator glasses. She’s smart, beautiful and kind. Paige is who Rey envisioned herself always wanting to be.

She feels someone come stand next to her and Rey grins at Kaydel. “Snap doing okay?”

Kaydel rolls her eyes but smiles affectionately. “He’ll be fine.” She wags her eyebrows. “Rose pointed out your boy this morning.”

Rey groans. “He’s  _ not _ my boy. I just met him earlier this week.”

Kaydel shrugs. “ _ So _ ? I knew I wanted to bang Snap the moment I first laid eyes on him.”

“It’s not like that.” Rey argues. 

“How do you know? You just said you  _ just met him _ . Kyle could be half way in love with you. Which, by the way,  _ leaving _ when his obviously favourite waitress isn’t working her regular shift, is heavily leaning in that territory.”

“His name is  _ Kylo _ .”

Kaydel pauses and snorts. “What a stupid name.” She waves a hand. “Regardless. There’s something there, yeah?”

“He’s...nice to look at.” Rey admits, face burning. 

Kaydel lets out a bark of laughter, pushing stray strands of hair away from her face. “Rey. He’s fucking  _ geogerous _ . Like, I would  _ one hundred percent  _ climb him. There’s nothing wrong with having fun. When’s the last time you had fun?”

Kaydel  _ knows _ the last time Rey had sex. She knows because she walked into  _ Rey’s _ apartment with no discretion, already bitching about her courses and classmates before finally realizing that a guy was on top of Rey mid-thrust. Kaydel let out a shrill scream and then sprouted out her apologies and left, hurriedly making her way two floors above where her own apartment was. It was at that moment that Rey instantly regretted that their group of friends had keys to each other’s places, in case of emergencies. It’s a funny story now, one that  _ only _ Kaydel and Rey share because she’s sure that if Finn or Rose or anyone ever found out about it, Rey would be mortified. Rey is forever thankful that when she knocked on Kaydel’s apartment later that night and Kaydel gave her a sheepish grin, opening the door wider, inviting her in, asking her cheekily if it  _ went alright _ , grin fading upon Rey’s heavy sigh and instead, poured her a glass of wine and watched baking shows. 

“Kay, I’m probably not even his type.”

Kylo probably likes them taller and thinner, less lean and more supermodel-like. Maybe with blonde hair or the complete opposite, with long jet black hair and coloured eyes and features that are more feminine than her square jaw and freckles. He probably likes them looking like a woman and not some child that was malnourished and abused. He probably likes them with no emotional baggage and no trauma. 

_ Normal _ , she thinks.  _ He probably likes his women normal.  _

Kaydel frowns, as if reading her thoughts. “Rey.” She says softly, and it’s not pity that laces her voice, Kaydel doesn’t  _ do _ pity. She does compassion, which is why psychology is her major and passion. She doesn’t touch her, likely recognizing that Rey is caving in on herself, lost to the things that she’ll never be able to voice. “When are you going to realize that you’re  _ enough _ ? That you’ve  _ always been enough _ ?”

Rey lets out a breath and stares at the same spot on the counter until Kaydel gets the picture and leaves her alone. 

Rey has  _ never _ been  _ enough _ because if she was enough, her parents would have stayed. Her parents would have  _ loved _ her. 

_ (Don’t leave me.  _

_ Come back.) _

* * *

_ (I’ll come back for you sweetheart.) _

* * *

She doesn’t work at Han’s garage that day but she does go over for dinner, opening the door and shouting a greeting to Leia. Leia pops her head in and gives her a wide smile. “I burnt the lasagna so we’re having Chinese tonight.”

“ _ Yum _ .” She jumps up on the kitchen counter and grabs an apple from the fruit basket on the counter, biting into it. “How’d you burn the lasagna?”

Han walks into the kitchen and shakes his head. “You don’t want to know.” He grins at Leia, wagging his eyebrows. 

Leia rolls her eyes, cheeks flushing and swatting at him while she grabs the phone to dial in for Chinese. 

It takes Rey a minute before she figures it out. “ _ Oh my god! Gross!” _

She can hear Han’s laugh all the way from the hallway as he wanders down it and Leia laughs in the middle of ordering the food. 

(Sometimes, when it's late at night and the city is asleep and Rey finds herself struggling to find sleep, she imagines that Han and Leia are her parents and that she grew up in the city with parents who loved her and supported her. She imagines that she never knew what hunger felt like, that she never knew what fear felt like. 

Sometimes, when it’s late at night and the city is asleep and Rey finds herself struggling to find sleep, she  _ dreams _ instead of having nightmares.)

* * *

She decides to walk home from Han and Leia’s. It’s about an hour walk and she would normally take the bus back or Han would drive her, so her leftovers don’t get cold, but they were hungry tonight and Rey makes her way back home without any leftovers. She doesn’t mind. They had fun laughing about their day, Leia bemoaning about her hermit brother and talking about the state of the world, Han makes comments about work and the cars he’s working on and Rey engages him eagerly, leaving Leia rolling her eyes and munching on her egg rolls. Rey talks about school and the cafe and Finn and Rose. She talks about the future she was secretly so sure she would never have.

“Mhmm,” Leia comments, her eyes taking on a gleam. “And any boys?” She pauses. “Or girls? Or anyone?”

Han groans. “Why do you have to bring this up when I’m here?”

“Then leave.” Leia shoots back at him. 

Rey shakes her head, bites her lip and turns her face to the side, trying to hide the flush that creeps its way from her cheeks to her neck. She immediately thinks about Kylo and then banishes him from her thoughts. “No one.”

_ (You think you’re something girl? You’re nothing. You're no one. Your parents sold you to me for drugs. You’re a no one in this world. You better get used to it.) _

With no leftovers, Rey convinces Han and Leia that she’s okay walking. They’re not happy about it and Leia makes her promise to message her as soon as she gets home. 

She’s about fifteen minutes into the walk, cutting through the park and inhaling the ending summer day. The nights are still warm but she can tell that the weather is starting to change. It starts to get a bit more bearable at night. She’s running her hands over the bushes of flowers and walks by the water fountain in the middle of the park when she sees him. 

He’s wearing black, like he always does, and is sitting in front of the fountain, where the cool spray of the water mists its audience. Some people, Rey included, have often sat in that exact spot to have some sort of relief from the summer weather. Because of her schedule, she didn’t see him at all today and she didn’t realize that she  _ missed _ seeing him until she catches a glimpse of him.

Which is  _ ridiculous _ because she’s known him for all of a couple of days. 

Without realizing it, her feet lead her to where he’s sitting. “Kylo?” 

He turns his head to her and his facial expression doesn’t change, but he does perk up and Rey doesn’t bother thinking of  _ why _ that makes her happy. He relaxes and sinks deeper into the bench. “Rey.” There is a slight pause. “You weren’t at the cafe this morning.”

She nods, fingers tracing the deteriorating paint on the bench. “I had an exam this morning, so I swapped shifts.”

He nods in understanding. “You’re a bit far from the cafe.”

She’s still standing and rocking back and forth between her heels and the balls of her feet. “Yeah, I have dinner almost every night with…” she trails off. What  _ are _ Leia and Han to her? Not  _ parents _ , even though she sometimes wishes and hopes and dreams they are. They’re not legal guardians. They’re  _ Han and Leia _ , as they always have been and likely always will be. She ignores the pang in her heart. “Friends and they live not too far from here. It’s a nice enough night so I decided to walk.”

He hasn’t stopped looking at her and she’s always noticed how intense his stare is but has never actually noticed how intense  _ he _ is when he stares at her. As if he’s dissecting her every movement, every word, as if what she’s saying has some sort of semblance of importance in the grand scheme of things. She feels like she’s naked without actually being naked. Which  _ of course _ , makes her think about what  _ he _ looks like naked and how  _ she _ would look like standing in front of him naked. 

Her face flushes.

He gestures to the empty spot next to him. She slides onto the bench with barely restrained eagerness. “What are you studying in school?”

“Mechanical engineering.” She looks down at her calloused hands. “I like working with my hands. My friends, the ones I just had dinner with, I help the husband out at his garage during holidays and whenever my schedule lets me.”

“Do you keep the cafe job throughout the year?”

She nods, hands gripping the bench. “Reduced shifts.” More like whenever Maz calls and asks if she  _ can cover  _ and  _ only if it’s not intruding with school _ . She shrugs her shoulders. “Gotta pay the bills somehow.” She stares straight ahead at the fountain and smiles softly as the mists from the water douses them gently. “What about you?”

He stretches his arms across the bench, the same way he does to the booth in the cafe and the tips of his fingers brush against the top of her left shoulder. He leans his body closer to her and Rey thinks she stops breathing. The scent of his cologne assaulting her senses and making her head swim. “I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you.”

If she was expecting something, it definitely wasn’t that. She can’t help herself, she laughs. Head tilted back, mouth wide. She catches the slight smile on his face and is taken aback by the darkness of his eyes. “Nice joke.”

He pulls his arms back to him and crosses them. She briefly mourns the loss of his body heat. He’s wearing a black t-shirt and she can see his tattoos, trailing up his arms like flames. “I’m serious though. I signed a confidential contract. Can’t tell anyone what I do.”

“Not even your family?”

His arms tighten across his chest and there is a shadow that falls over his face, his body tensing and the darkness that she briefly saw in his eyes returns with fervour. Automatically, she knows that family is a sore spot for him. “I don’t have a family.”

She bites her tongue so hard she thinks she tastes blood to stop herself from saying,  _ me too. _ Instead, she says, “I’m sorry to hear that.” And places a hand on his bicep in what she hopes is a comforting gesture. Rose does it to her all the time but Rey is new to comforting people. She’s new to caring for people, and she hopes that she didn’t just pole vault over the line she decided to draw the first time she took his order. 

(Sometimes, she thinks she’s known him for longer than the few days she’s known him and  _ isn’t that just super fucking crazy? _ )

He’s silent, eyes trained on her. “You really are, aren’t you?”

Rey blinks. “Of course I am. Family is...it’s important. Everyone should have a family. Either by blood or choice.”

Rey would know. 

He nods stiffly. 

Rey drops her hand and gets up. “I really have to be getting back home. It was nice seeing you. Outside of the cafe.” She gives him a strained smile. “Right. Okay. Bye.”

She’s taken five steps when she hears him call her name. She turns back to face him. He’s standing, towering over her and the people walking through the park. “Want to get a coffee with me and I’ll walk you back home?” He gestures with his head. “I’m headed that way, anyways.”

Rey nods, giving him a smile. “Make that an Iced Coffee and you’ve got yourself a deal.”

* * *

It’s a forty-five minute walk from the coffee shop across the park. Rey gets her iced Coffee and he buys a water bottle. She clucks at the plastic. 

Rey doesn’t stop talking the entire walk back to her apartment. Kylo says things here and there and Rey tries to get more information about him, about his likes and dislikes but so far all she knows is that he  _ can’t _ tell her what he does, he likes to box, he’s travelled all over the world but his favourite city is Amsterdam. His favourite colour isn’t actually black but  _ navy blue _ which Rey says is basically black. He prefers Thai food over Chinese food, which makes Rey worry that he can smell Chinese food on her breath, so she chews more tic tacs than she thinks is recommended. 

Whenever she probes for anything personal, he deflects the question onto her and in turn, Rey tells him what she can without telling him anything.

Rey has gotten good at doing that.

They come up to her building and she fiddles with her bag, grabbing her keys. “Thanks for walking with me. You didn’t have to.”

His hands are still in his pockets like they have been for almost their entire walk when he wasn’t taking gulps from his water bottle. He shrugs, his shirt moving with his shoulders. “It was getting dark and it’s not a safe city at night. Too many bad things could happen, you know?”

_ Yeah _ , Rey knows all about what lingers in the shadows. “Right, well. I’m going to head on up. Thanks for the coffee.” She bounds up the concrete stairs and has her key in the keyhole when she feels it give and she pushes it open. She glances over her shoulder at him. “I‘ll...I‘ll be back at the cafe tomorrow morning.”

“Keep table six empty for me.”

She nods and wishes him goodnight, taking the stairs two at a time, bypassing the elevator and onto the landing of her floor, unlocking her apartment and stepping inside, letting the door slam shut. “I’m home.” She yells into the apartment. 

She hears Finn yell something back from his room and she grabs a glass from the cupboard above the sink and fills it up with water, taking the glass with her into the living room, as she plops on the couch ungracefully. 

Finn comes out of his room in a pair of shorts and muscle shirt. “How was the exam?” He smirks when Rey groans. “That good, huh?”

“How’s Poe?”

Finn smiles, teeth shining brightly and plops down next to her and proceeds to tell her everything, making her laugh until she’s sure that her voice echoes with the light breeze from the open windows. 

* * *

It’s not until later that night when Rey is tossing and turning in her bed that Rey remembers Kylo telling her to keep  _ table six empty _ but she  _ knows _ that she never mentioned  _ table six _ to him. 

She doesn’t have any mental capacity to think on that any longer than the brief thought before sleep overtakes her. 

She sleeps for maybe a few hours before she wakes up gasping, the imaginary feeling of someone pressing against her windpipe still stark and real. She’s shaking when she realizes the arm against her throat has a familiar intricate design in black ink. Like fire, snaking up the arm. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again!!! You guys really have no idea how much this means to me! Reviews are always appreciated! Mad love and respect to all of you!


	4. Yours and mine and left and right (there’s still two sides to everyone)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Huge huge thanks for all of your support! It means so so so much to me! Especially in these tumultuous times that we’re in. It’s been quite heavy where I’m at and there...was a situation over the weekend and it just, it’s been crazy and heartbreaking and I haven’t stopped crying all weekend. But I do just want to say thank you all for everything. Your comments and kudos’ and everything mean the world to me. Hope you enjoy the latest instalment! Don’t forget to mind the tags! Some warnings: there is mention of being alone and violence and unhealthy coping habits. There’s also mention of porn and some brief mentions of sexual nature. Just wanted to give you guys a heads up but generally, all tags still apply.
> 
> Chapter title comes from the song Overdrive by The Foo Fighters

Thursday morning dawns dark and grey. The humidity is heavy in the air and Rey  _ knows _ , she just  _ knows _ , that it’ll start raining before long. Rose is of the belief that they’ll have plenty of time to get to the cafe, because  _ the weather channel said it’s not supposed to rain until noon _ . Rey shrugs and follows her out of the apartment, looking up every now and then at the dark grey clouds that hang overhead.

They’re a block away from the cafe when the sky decides to open up and  _ soak _ them. Rey lets out a shrill laugh, pointedly looking at Rose. “This isn’t noon, Rose.” She has to raise her voice over the sudden downpour. 

The look Rose throws her would wither anyone else if Rey isn’t so used to Rose being  _ Rose _ . 

Rose shrieks as she tries to open the umbrella she brought with them just in case, but Rey doesn’t bother to wait, instead, she laughs loudly again and then runs the rest of the block. She bumps into a few people here and there, apologizing with breathless laughter lining her words. 

Growing up in Jakku, the way she did, she was always used to the sun. She was used to sandstorms. She was used to being burnt and feeling as if her skin would stretch if she twisted the wrong way. She doesn’t  _ hate _ the sun. She doesn’t  _ hate _ the heat. If anything, she  _ resents _ it. Resents the way it makes her feel, resents the way it makes her never forget where she came from. 

In the end, the sun and all its glories and failures is all Rey ever knew.

Rey doesn’t like Summer the way other people like Summer. It’s everything else that amazes her. Rain, fog, snow, ice, everything about the changing seasons, the different types of weather makes her pause for a split second and then she explodes in the only way she knows how. By allowing herself to act like the child she was never able to be. 

When she manages to unlock the doors to the cafe, Rose’s hurried footsteps are close behind her and Rey holds the door open, yelping when a sudden gust of wind pushes it open even more and rain comes into the cafe. Rey slams the door shut as soon as they make their way in, wincing at the loud bang it makes. She leans against the door, chest heaving, staring at Rose. “So.  _ That _ was fun.”

Rose glares at her and swipes a hand through her wet hair and flings her fingers at Rey, trying to non-verbally reflect her annoyance. 

Rey chortles and grabs two hand towels, one for herself and one for Rose that she throws at her and Rose catches gratefully as they start toweling off while running through the morning motions. 

“I hate the rain.” Rose grumbles. 

Rey shakes her head, water dripping around her and shrugs. “I like it.”

Rose sticks her tongue at her and rolls her eyes. “Maybe Maz still has some of those shirts from that promo she did last year.” She wanders into the back, to the office and after a few minutes of searching, Rey hears a victorious yell. Rose comes barrelling out and hands Rey a shirt. “Might as well change our shirts.”

It’s a quick swap in the office and Rey yelps when Rose accidentally elbows her in the stomach. She apologizes and then chuckles and pushes her still wet hair back. “Thank fuck we decided to wear shorts today, huh?”

Rey is a bit more thankful that they decided to be prudent and grab their raincoats but she doesn’t say anything. 

Fifteen minutes later, Rey flips the  _ Closed _ sign to  _ Open _ and smiles as the customers come filtering in. 

Their shoes squeak with excess water throughout the morning. 

* * *

It’s like clockwork, when he comes in. She sees him as he makes his way up the sidewalk, and grabs a menu, meeting him the moment he comes through the door. She gives him a smile and gestures for him to follow her to table six. “Morning.” She says brightly, face flushed. 

He cocks an eyebrow at her. “Good morning so far?”

Rey leans against the table. “It’s Thursday, which is close to Friday and my final exam for my summer courses is tomorrow and we’re going out tomorrow to celebrate. It’s raining, which is a nice change, so yeah, it’s been a good morning.”  _ It’s strange, _ she thinks idly,  _ how one conversation and a walk home, can change everything. _ And then she feels  _ stupid _ , because it was just  _ one _ conversation and a walk home. It wasn’t like they professed anything. It was just...friendly. 

But everything’s changed. At least, she thinks it has. 

“You slept better then?” He sounds nonchalant but Rey can see the way his eyes flit over her quickly, trying to assess if the bags under her eyes are deeper than they were last, or if she’s swaying on her feet. 

Rey still has her nightmares. That’s a given. She doesn’t think they’ll ever go away because Rey isn’t likely to forget everything that happened to her. She doesn’t think she ever should. For the most part, she likes to think that it makes her stronger. That it makes her a survivor but it still haunts her, like a looming cloud over her head and sometimes, she gets lost in the memories and becomes scared of her own shadow. 

Leia has long since suggested therapy. Han has always grumbled that she should do whatever she thinks is right for her. Finn and Rose support whatever she does but she knows that Rose sides with Leia. Kaydel has been dropping hints that she wouldn’t have a problem putting her degree to good use but never pressures her. 

The thing is, too many people already know. And she doesn’t...there’s still  _ so _ much that  _ she _ doesn’t even know and she doesn’t want to talk about it. Doesn’t even want to think about it in the light of day. 

She doesn’t even want to think about it in the darkest part of night, but she has no control over her dreams. She just has control over what to do when she’s jolted awake afterwards. 

And it’s a lie, she knows it. Therapy  _ would _ be good for her. She just doesn’t think she’s ready for it. Why? So she can unburden herself to a stranger and let them know all of her darkest secrets and terrible fears? Of her insecurities and bouts of worthlessness because  _ who _ would leave a child in the middle of a desert with a fucked up man who has no right at all to even be responsible for a child? Who leaves a child to fend for themselves with the worst dredges of humanity? Who leaves a child to grow up into a woman around men who leer at her and make her fear for her life? Who leaves a child to be attacked for no reason?

Parents who didn’t want her. That’s  _ who _ .

So no, Rey hasn’t been sleeping better. She doesn’t know if she ever could. She just lives with it and hopes for the best. The only people who know the slightest extent of her nightmares are Finn and Rose and Han and Leia and that’s only because she lives with Finn and Rose and she used to live with Leia and Han.

“I dream about you.” Rey blurts out and then slaps a hand to her mouth, mortified at the words that came out of her mouth. She wishes she could take it back. 

It’s not a lie. Recently, she  _ has _ been dreaming about him. And not in the way she wants to be dreaming about him either. It’s more how her dreams shift from terrifying to all she can see are his eyes. Or how an arm is wrapped around her neck and squeezing tightly, choking her, familiar black ink snaking up his arm like flames. She recognizes him instantly in her dreams. 

It’s hard not to when she stares at him when he’s in her eyesight and then thinks about him when he’s not. 

He looks shocked for a moment, eyes widening and then he barks out a laugh. It sends shivers down her spine. She’s transfixed at how his face transforms with the laugh. It’s like he hasn’t laughed in  _ years _ and his entire being changes. His eyes are lighter, his dimples are out in force and the corner of his eyes squint. 

But Rey is still mortified because she dreams about him and now he knows it. Her face feels like it’s on fire. “I’m going to put in your regular order.” She mumbles, turning around quickly to get away from her embarrassment. 

She doesn’t even make it one step before he catches her hand. His hand is large and warm. Rey’s eyes dart to where he’s holding her, thumb caressing her pulse point and she wonders if he can feel how it jumps wildly under his touch. 

“What do you dream about?”

Oh.  _ Oh _ . 

In her desperation once, when she couldn’t sleep but desperately wanted to, she went to Pornhub and flicked until she found a porno she thought she would like. It was innocuous at first, more dialogue then anything. The man was oiled up, lightly touching the woman as she talked about how she felt  _ a connection to him. Like he was something from a dream _ ,  _ my dream. _

“ _ What do you dream about? _ ” The man in the porno asked. His voice was low and husky and Rey remembers snaking a hand into her underwear, playing with herself. 

“ _ You _ .” The woman replies, breathless, hands on his chest as she pushes herself up on her tiptoes and kisses him. 

It gets filthier from that moment on and Rey fingered herself until she came, her shout muffled by her shirt. 

(Rey has never forgotten about that porno and sometimes, she goes back to watch it.)

Oddly enough, the porno flings itself like a technicolor movie into the forefront of her mind but instead of the two truly horrific actors, she imagines Kylo and herself.  _ Oh _ . She’s  _ definitely _ going to Hell. 

Rey blinks and stares up at him, trying to get the picture of him and her out of her mind. She doesn’t answer him, her throat dry and she feels like she’s dying of thirst. “I didn’t mean that.”

“You don’t dream of me? I’m hurt, Rey.” He’s teasing her softly. The corners of his mouth lift and he still hasn’t let go of her hand. 

And this. This has to be nipped in the bud. She’s already fucked it up so badly. She’s already made herself to be the fool, already played her card. She’s not calm, cool and collected like Paige. She’s not sharp like Kaydel. She’s not fiery like Rose. She’s just Rey. Rey with the traumatic past and a will of steel to prove everyone wrong about her.

She wants to brush it off. She wants to roll her eyes and tell him,  _ of course, I dream about you, you were the last person I saw last night. _ Which isn’t exactly true because technically, Finn was but he doesn’t need to know that. 

She wants to be nonchalant and tell him that it was a  _ slip of the tongue. _

But then that just makes her think about his tongue. And her tongue. Doing things together. 

She doesn’t tell him any of what she  _ wants _ to tell. Instead, she tells him the truth. “You haunt me.”

Because he does. He’s mixed in with her nightmares that won’t leave her alone and she’s  _ haunted _ .

She sees his face pale and he drops her hand like it burns him and not the other way around. Not like he’s been the one burning her since the day he came into her life and threw it into a sort of disarray she didn’t even think was possible. He doesn’t say anything to her. He just stares, jaw clenching, fists clenching and then he grabs his jacket and leaves. Stomping out of the diner. 

Rey watches him go through the window. 

_ (I’ll come back for you, sweetheart.) _

* * *

Rose is leaning against the counter, chin in her hand. “So...what was that?”

Rey brushes past her. “I have no idea.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“No.”

Rose opens her mouth to say something else and Rey tenses, not in the mood for an  _ I told you so  _ or  _ he’s weird _ , but Rose doesn’t say anything. Instead, she closes her mouth and nods.

* * *

She doesn’t have class that afternoon, so instead, she makes her way to Han’s garage. She’s not due to start work for a couple of hours but she doesn’t want to go home and she doesn’t want to go to the library, so she hopes that Han won’t mind that she’s in the garage taking those couple of hours to cram in some more study hours. 

“You’re early, kid.”

“Can I take the table in the office to study a bit before my shift?”

“Sure. S’all yours.”

Rey breathes out a thank you and makes herself at home in the only place she’s ever truly felt at home. 

(If she were more aware, like she should have been, she would have realized that Han sounded distant, as if something was bothering him and that his eyes had taken a haunted look to them.

But she isn’t more aware. So, she misses the signs.)

* * *

Dinner at Han and Leia’s is a tense affair. She doesn’t know why. All she knows is that Han and Leia are snapping at each other, clipped words with loaded meanings. Then the name  _ Ben _ gets tossed around once. It’s really all it takes. Rey’s breath catches in her throat because it’s the first time she’s ever heard Han and Leia even discuss him in front of  _ each other, _ let alone in front of  _ her _ . 

Han snarls something that Rey doesn’t catch but it makes Leia blanch and makes Rey want to sink lower in her seat until she’s invisible. 

He pushes his chair away from the table and stomps out the door. 

Rey turns her head to slowly look at Leia, who has her head in her hands, shoulders shaking. Rey reaches out to put a comforting hand on Leia’s shoulder because that’s all she can do while her mind is whirling a mile a minute. Leia lifts her head and gives her a tired smile with watery eyes. 

“It’s the anniversary.” Leia tells her softly. “Of...when he left. I thought...I thought I saw him today but I realized that even if I did, he wouldn’t come back and it would be all my fault. My little boy is  _ gone _ .”

Rey doesn’t say anything, because she can’t. She’s afraid that if she opens her mouth to say something, it won’t be what she means to say. That it’ll come out vicious and selfish. 

She’s afraid that if she opens her mouth, she’ll say,  _ but I’m here, you still have me.  _

So, she says nothing at all. 

* * *

Rey doesn’t stay as long as she usually does and doesn’t bother to take home leftovers. She declines Han’s offer to drive her home, unable to look him in the eye without reliving his temper and storming away from Leia. She tells them that the rain has let up and she wants to walk. 

She gives Leia a long hug and gives Han a small wave, unable to bring herself to hug him and to stop the gnawing disappointment she feels when she looks at him. She feels guilty afterwards, watching as his face falls with pain, as if she physically attacked him. 

She wonders idly, if this is what parents are really like. She wonders if this is what being a kid is really like. Recognizing that parents are human too and that they make mistakes and sometimes they have good days and bad days and today was just a  _ shitty _ day. 

She’s making the cut through the park and she smiles at the few people who are like her and want to see the word in the post-rain haze. She comes to a stop when she sees the figure standing in front of the fountain. She’s tempted to turn around and run back to Han and ask him for the drive. She’s tempted to catch a cab. Or the subway. Or literally any form of transportation that does not include having a conversation with the man before her. 

She’s in the process of turning around, she  _ swears _ she is, when Kylo spots her. He makes his way to her slowly and all she can do is stand in place and watch him come to her. Her heartbeat takes a sudden dive off the deep end and she’s almost terrified that she’s going to drop dead from how fast her heart is beating.

If only Diplo could hear the beat her heart’s making. He’d likely have a fucking field day. 

“Hi.” Rey squeaks. She clears her throat and winces.  _ God _ . How many more times could she possibly embarrass herself in front of this man? “Hey.”

“Hi.” His hands are in his pockets again and he looks like an emo teenager. Dressed in black, long hair flopping over his eyes and tattooed arms. 

For a horrendous second she wonders about Ben. She wonders if Ben ever saw the ugly side of his parents. She wonders if he would have taken after Han or Leia. When she thinks about it, she’s never seen any pictures of him. The room was a shrine to him but nothing in that room put a face to the name, as if merely  _ looking _ at him is painful for Han and Leia and she thinks it probably is. She wonders if Ben would prefer to dress in black. Would he have tattoos? What career would he end up in? Would he be a dog or cat person? She already knows what music he would listen to. 

And then she feels guilty to even be thinking about Ben. Because she has  _ no right  _ to even be thinking about someone she’s never met and never will meet. Especially today, on his anniversary.

She wonders if Ben would like her. Or if he would be resentful at how his parents welcomed her with open arms. 

She had always hoped for the former. But she knows that jealousy is an ugly emotion so she wouldn’t be surprised if it were the latter.

Not like it matters. Because Ben Solo is  _ dead _ . 

“I’m sorry about this morning.” Rey blurts out. “I didn’t mean to...make anything awkward. Or weird. It’s just...there’s...a lot. To me. It’s...a long story.”

Kylo turns his head to side and it’s like déjà vu, watching him clench his jaw and his fists. He’s silent for a long time, a battle waging behind his eyes, as if he’s trying to come to a decision that he can’t seem to make. And then, just like that, it’s gone and his face is like ice. No emotion, no hint of any turmoil from just a few seconds ago. “If you give me the chance, I’d like to hear it.”

“Why?” Rey asks suspiciously. Because  _ this _ is what makes her suspicious. Not having a crush on a man she barely knows. Not dreaming about a man she barely knows. Not embarrassing and humiliating herself at what seems to be every twist and turn in front of this man. No. Instead, it’s his willingness to stay. It’s his willingness to learn about her shitty past and her nightmares and the things that keep her up at night. 

Because  _ no one _ stays. Everyone leaves eventually and Rey thinks she’s already exhausted the list of people that are likely to leave her in the future. 

(And it stings but it’s the truth. She can’t keep Finn, Rose, Kaydel, Han, Leia, Maz and even Chewie tied to her. Everyone has their own lives and then death comes for everyone in the end. The way it came for Ben.)

“Because you haunt me too.” He replies. 

Rey’s breath catches. “Buy me an Iced Coffee?”

He lets out a breath and it’s close to a soft chuckle. He follows her out of the park.

* * *

“I’m sorry.” Rey apologizes again, taking a sip out of her Iced Coffee. “It’s been...a weird…”  _ life, years, days, weeks, _ “it’s just been weird lately.”

“You don’t have to apologize. I guess,  _ I _ should be the one doing the apologizing. I don’t...I never meant to haunt you.” She gives him a tight smile and thinks she should have walked on her own. She has too much on her mind to be any company and this man always seems to have her on her toes. “Is...everything okay?” He asks this as if he has to. As if he doesn’t know what else to say. 

Rey sighs. “It’s fine. It’s just...my... _ friends _ , they’re going through a tough time right now and it’s the first time I’ve really seen them actually angry at each other. I mean, I always heard it when I stayed with them but everything would be fine in the morning but this...I guess there will always be some wounds that will never heal and losing a child seems like a pretty big one.”

He looks at her sharply at that. “They said he’s dead?”

Rey shakes her head. “Well, no. I mean, they never really talk about him, you know. It’s just...sometimes, he comes up and then everything goes wrong.”

“Maybe they feel guilty because they had no idea how to raise a child.” He scoffs and there is a bitterness that creeps into his words, a long deep-rooted issue that blackens his entire soul. 

Rey feels like she’s been slapped. She steps in front of him and puts a hand out to stop him from moving. “ _ Don’t _ .” She says slowly, dangerously. Her blood is boiling because he couldn’t even possibly begin to understand. “You have  _ no right _ to judge my friends. You have  _ no right _ to judge their grief and you have  _ no right  _ to talk of the dead like you know him. Because you  _ don’t _ . You don’t know that family. You don’t know anything. So  _ don’t _ .”

“And you do?” His nose is flaring with repressed rage and his eyes darken but Rey stands her ground. “You  _ really _ know them? You really know this  _ dead _ guy, this  _ dead son _ they can’t even bring themselves to  _ talk _ about?” He shakes his head. “Stop holding your friends to such high regards, Rey. They’ll only disappoint you.”

She frowns, opening her mouth to argue with him but finds that she  _ can’t _ because all she can think about is the disappointment she felt with Han a little over an hour ago. “How would you even know?”

He lets out a laugh and it’s not like earlier in the day when it transformed his entire face into something younger. This laugh is dark and twisted and it transforms his entire face into gnarled anger. “My family, remember? I have more in common with your friends' family than you think.” There is something in his eyes, some sort of desperation to make her understand something, anything. 

“I don’t know anything about your family.” Rey reminds him gently, her previous anger calming down. “You won’t talk about them.”

“The same way you don’t  _ really _ talk about your past.” Kylo shoots back. Rey winces but gives him the point. He deflates. “It’s...supposed to be in the past but it...it hurts.”

“You’re not dead, though, Kylo.”

He’s silent for a few minutes as they’re staring at each other in the middle of the sidewalk, a light drizzle falling. 

He takes a breath. “No. But sometimes, I think it would be better if I were.”

* * *

They’re about a block away from her apartment when she asks the question. 

“How did you know that you sit at table six?” She asks him after minutes of silence and walking. Her brain feels wired, with every step, his arm, his hand, his fingers, something of his, brushes against her and it feels like she’s being electrocuted. 

“You told me.”

Rey frowns. “No. I didn’t. I would remember that. And before you say it, Rose didn’t say it either.”

A beat goes by and then he sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I used to live here.”

Rey’s eyes widen. “No  _ fucking _ way.”

He nods, looking away distantly. “I was raised here. Went to school here.”

“Had a life here.”

He scoffs. “Wasn’t much of a life.”

She’s hesitant to ask but she wants to know. She feels like she needs to know, especially after the earlier conversation. “And...your family?”

_ I don’t have a family.  _

“We didn’t get along. They...weren’t there for me when I needed them.”

Her hand is on his bicep, curling around his arm and she wonders how far his tattoos run up his arms. “Are they...still here?”

“Yes.” He has a distant look in his eyes and Rey wants to cry. She wants to scream. 

“You haven’t seen them…?” She means recently. Because the city is big but it’s not  _ that _ big. The question comes across as tentative from her lips and Rey knows she’s treading on sensitive, if not dangerous ground but she can’t seem to wrap her head around what he’s telling her and what he isn’t telling her. 

He doesn’t answer her question, not really. “We got into a bad argument. It got...violent. I left and haven’t been back. Better off for everyone.” Except, he doesn’t look like he’s better off. He looks how she feels. Haunted. 

_ Hunted _ . 

There is so much that she wants to say. So much that she thinks she could say but she can’t because if there’s one thing that Jakku taught Rey, it’s self-preservation. Looking at Kylo now, he reminds her of the wild dogs in Jakku. The ones who were never fed and always abused (and isn’t it funny how the wild dogs in Jakku were synonymous with the people who were left behind). Rey saw one of them once. A group of guys were taunting it, throwing things at it. Rey saw the tightening of its haunches. She saw the snarl starting to twist on its snout and the way its eyes narrowed. 

Rey saw what was going to happen before the guys did. So, when it pounced and sank its teeth into one of their arms, Rey wasn’t surprised. She didn’t run. She didn’t make any sudden movements, instead, she shrank deeper into the shadows and listened to the screams of a boy who didn’t know any better, the running and cries of his friends who fled for their lives and a wild dog, who sought revenge. 

Kylo reminds her of  _ that _ wild dog. She sees the tightening of his shoulders, the cloud of anger that flashes in his eyes and the way his body seems ready to rip into her if she says one more thing. 

“Why are you back then?” Rey asks. “If you left, why did you come back?”

He turns his head and meets her eyes. “Unfinished business.”

The answer leaves her cold, despite the humidity. 

* * *

He drops her off at her apartment and she gives him a soft goodbye.

She doesn’t go up to her apartment right away. Instead, she staggers to the stairwell and sits down, trying to catch her breath. 

She thinks that maybe, just maybe, he’s as broken as she is. 

If not more. 

And that, terrifies her. 

* * *

(Looking back on it, she’ll think that this is the conversation that changed everything. That this is the conversation that set everything in motion she didn’t even know was being set.) 

* * *

_ There is a night during the first week she stays with Han and Leia where it’s dark out. She can hear the grasshoppers underneath her window, she can hear owls in the distance. The moon is a sliver of a thing but it’s bright. She can’t sleep. She can’t stop moving her legs, as if trying to keep up her running.  _

_ She sighs and gets out of the bed and takes to pacing around the room, the floorboards creaking until she finds which ones do the creaking and then she avoids them. She makes her way over the mahogany desk and peers into the box on the corner with all the CDs and a CD player. She takes it out, checks for batteries, nodding when she sees them still in there and she wonders if it still works. She makes her way through CD after CD, idly wondering how old Ben was when everything happened. She recognizes names of bands from the posters hanging on the wall, posters that she can’t bear to bring herself to take down.  _ __

_ She opens one CD case and takes the shiny disc out and puts it into the CD player, shoves the earphones in her ear and presses play. She holds her breath, wondering if it still works. After a few seconds, she can hear the sounds of a soft whimsical voice and she feels entranced.  _

_ She goes through that entire CD that night and the nights following, she listens to CD after CD, collecting her own favourites along the way.  _

_ When she finally gets her own laptop, she burns all the songs from the CD’s into her iTunes and then when she gets her phone, she downloads everything onto that.  _

_ She’s never told anyone where she got her taste in music from. She thinks that’s a secret just for her and the ghost of Ben Solo. _

* * *

In Rey’s iPhone, she has a lot of playlists. There is one for running, one for studying, one for lazing around. She makes a playlist for almost every occasion, for every holiday. But there is one higher up in the list that she only listens to when she feels lost and confused and scared. It’s a mixed set of songs from CD’s long shoved into a box on a mahogany desk in a room that hadn’t been slept in for over a decade.

The playlist has always been called  _ Ben’s Playlist. _

She doesn’t listen to it often, she mostly prefers to hit shuffle on her music but sometimes, she  _ needs _ it. Needs to feel the closeness and the secrets that only she knows about this particular playlist. And today...well today, she thinks is the perfect day for that. It’s close to midnight but not quite yet. 

“I’m sorry you’re not around.” She says quietly to her empty room. “I think I would have really liked to know you.” 

She puts her earphones in and presses play, falling asleep to the songs she thinks Ben Solo must have fallen asleep listening to. 

_ Don’t worry _ , she thinks,  _ I’ll take care of them for you. _

(She doesn’t know if she’s talking about the music, his parents or the city he left behind.)

* * *

It’s not until she’s in the middle of writing her exam the next afternoon that she realizes she didn’t have a nightmare at all the night before. 

In fact, she didn’t even dream. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed! Love and respect to all of you, always. Stay safe everyone!!


	5. I have earned my disillusionment (I have been working all of my life)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some CW: light fingering and public indecency and there’s some dom!Kylo here. Basically it’s a prelude to sex. Because both Kylo and Rey are 10000% done with trying to not acknowledge their attraction to each other, no matter how twisted it seems. 
> 
> Chapter title is take from Not A Pretty Girl by Ani DiFranco.
> 
> Thank you so much for everyone who has been reviewing and leaving kudos, they fuel my soul and I’m forever thankful that you guys are hanging in there and giving this a shot.

Because Rey’s last exam of the summer is in the afternoon, she doesn’t have to work at the cafe or at the garage. Rose and Kaydel have no problem covering for her, and she promises them profusely that she’ll meet them at their favourite bar later that night.

Han understands that education is important to her and she finds that after the blowup at dinner the other night, he’d give her any day off she asked for. She doesn’t though, just today. 

She goes through her notes and equations, double checking that she understands the material and hopes to God she passes. She hasn’t gotten her mark from the exam she did earlier in the week for her other class but she knows to expect it around Monday, so there’s no point in her constantly refreshing her page to see if her mark had been posted. 

Which, she shamelessly has been doing, until Finn snatched her phone out of her hands and told her in no uncertain terms to  _ stop it. _

She barely listens to Finn now as he putters around the kitchen and living room, taking the afternoon shift at the library. The next time she looks up, it’s almost time for her to leave so she goes to her room to change out of her pyjamas and slips into a flowy black skirt that swirls around her thighs when she moves, a tank top, her oversized cardigan, because she knows she’s going to get cold writing the exam and at the bar and her converse sneakers. 

She grabs her stuff off the kitchen table and grabs a banana to eat on her way to school. 

They don’t live far from campus. If anything, they live in a neighborhood that’s overrun by most of their friends (case in point: Kaydel, who lives a few floors above them and Snap, who all but moved in with Kaydel because Kaydel refused to leave her friends and the understandably cheap housing), and other students. Rey is reminded of this as she walks to school, dodging students who are moving back in or are moving in for the first time. She sees parents with their kids, helping them with the move and Rey feels a jab in her heart, trying not to let it get to her because it  _ shouldn’t _ . It’s been  _ so _ long, she should...she should know better by now. 

But  _ knowing _ and  _ doing _ are never the same thing.

She sees some people she knows, they give her a wave and Rey waves back, shouting out a greeting, welcoming them back.

When she gets to the school, she makes her way to where she knows her exam will be taking place and she grabs a seat in front of the door, when she sees that it’s not open yet. She swings her backpack in front of her and digs in for her notes. She goes through them again and when she finally feels like her head is going to burst, she puts everything away and leans her head against the wall behind her. 

She tries. She tries  _ really hard  _ to not think about Kylo. 

But she does. 

Because that’s  _ all _ she can seem to do. 

For instance, all she can think about, all she seems to be thinking about is the way he looked like talking about his family, remembering the past he obviously wants to forget and the past that Rey  _ always _ seems to bring up. Not that she has any right to it. She doesn’t have the right to trudge up memories that are painful to him and she feels guilty doing it. She feels ashamed of herself because despite alluding to her past, she doesn’t talk to him about it. 

Because it’s  _ her _ past. 

And she’s come full circle, hasn’t she? He’s a shrouded mystery she’s been desperate to solve that she hasn’t truly realized he’s human with complex emotions and an obvious fucked up past.

Like her. 

And maybe  _ that’s _ why she’s attracted to him. Maybe  _ that’s _ why it seems like he’s become the center of all of her thoughts, because he’s  _ like her. _

As broken and lost as she is. 

Rey is jolted out of her thoughts when someone opens the door to her classroom and Rey hurries in, stowing her bag at the front of the classroom, making sure to grab a handful of pencils, erasers and a sharpener before she takes her seat. 

She idly drums her fingers against the desk to a familiar beat while she waits. 

* * *

It’s only when she’s finished the exam that she recognizes the beat. It’s the last song she listened to before she fell asleep from Ben’s playlist.

* * *

She meets Rose, Kaydel, Snap, Finn and Poe at their favourite bar  _ Stardust _ . 

They cheer the moment she walks in and she lifts her hands in the air, as if to say,  _ I made it, _ and sighs deeply as she slides in next to Kaydel. Her eyes light up at the woman in the corner, hidden by the partial darkness and dim lighting of the bar. “Jannah! When did you get back? Tell me everything.”

She sprawls over Kaydel to look Jannah in the eyes and poke her in the arm, grin stretched widely across her mouth. Jannah lets out a laugh, grabs her hand and wraps an arm around Rey’s neck, trying to give her as much of a hug without actually giving her a hug, as she can. 

While the rest of them were stuck in the city for the summer, Jannah took the summer to explore her way through Europe before taking a week to relax in Costa Rica and Rey listens intently to Jannah as she talks about her trip and makes them all feel envious when she talks about the places she went, the people she met, the food she ate. It’s the food that captivates Rey the most and she makes Jannah go into a horrific amount of detail about the paella she ate in Spain. 

In between the different conversations that filter around the table, they drink. 

Finn and Poe are serenading each other and Rose rolls her eyes at them playfully while talking to Jannah, all of her attention on the curly-haired woman and this time it’s Rey that rolls her eyes, sharing a knowing look with Kaydel.

Kaydel leans into Rey. “Twenty bucks says Rose and Jannah go home together.”

Rey snorts. “I’m not taking that bet. It’s  _ one hundred percent  _ Rose and Jannah go home together. Rose has only been missing Jannah for the  _ entire _ summer.”

“Talk about unrequited.”

With the way Rose is smiling at Jannah and the way Jannah’s eyes are alight with absolute  _ love _ in Rose’s direction, Rey hardly thinks it’s unrequited. At least not anymore. 

Rey jolts when she feels Kaydel’s elbow in her side. “Isn’t that your cafe boy?”

Rey’s head shoots up and Kaydel gestures towards the end of the bar on the far side. She can barely see him in the dim lighting but she’s  _ certain _ it’s him. She’s certain because she gets a shiver up and down her spine, her back straightens and her senses come alive in only a way he ever manages to elicit from her, without even knowing. He’s swallowed up in the darkness, back facing the wall and eyes scouring the bar. He pauses when his eyes land on her and Rey feels her heart skip a beat when he lifts his glass of amber liquid in her direction as if to salute her.

She doesn’t know if he’s congratulating her or mocking her. 

_ My final exam for my summer courses is tomorrow and we’re going out to celebrate tomorrow. _

“Jesus Rey. That’s some _come_ _fuck me eyes_ your boy is throwing you.” Kaydel is giddy with joy and Rey wonders how many shots the blonde has had. 

“He is not throwing me... _ come fuck me eyes.” _ Rey argues. 

“He is.”

“He is not.”

Snap sighs and leans around Kaydel, interrupting the two of them. “He  _ definitely _ is Rey. Trust me.”

_ I used to live here. _

_ I was raised here. Went to school here.  _

_ Wasn’t that much of a life. _

Snap looks to be about the same age as Kylo, give or take a couple of years. Not that she knows because Kylo has never really told her his age. “Snap, you’ve lived here for a while, right?”

“I moved here my senior year of high school. Just over ten years ago. So yeah, sure, I’ve lived here for a while. Why?”

“He says he lived here. Did you know him? His name is Kylo?”

Snap squints in Kylo’s direction but shakes his head. “It’s too dark and I can’t get a good look at him but the name  _ kind of  _ sounds familiar but I can’t place anyone to it. Poe would likely know.”

“I’ll ask him later, maybe.” Or maybe not because she  _ likes _ Poe, she  _ really _ does, but sometimes, she can only handle him in small doses.

Not even ten minutes after, Finn and Poe get up, eager to finish the night somewhere a bit more private. They exchanged  _ goodbyes _ and  _ see you later  _ and  _ are we on for brunch tomorrow? _

“Maz is back tomorrow.” Rose tells them. “So we can go the cafe and have breakfast there.”

They all agree and not a couple minutes after Poe and Finn leave, Rose clears her throat. “So, I’m actually really tired and I think I’m going to go home.”

Jannah jumps up. “Yeah, definitely. I’ll walk you home. I’m jet-lagged.”

Kaydel cackles into her drink. “Oh my God. Stop denying it. You’re going to  _ fuck _ . Which honestly,  _ finally _ . Rose, Rey can stay at mine and Snap’s so you can have your guys’ place all to yourselves. Since Finn went to Poe’s.”

Rey is thankful Kaydel said it so she didn’t have to. She grins widely at Rose and gives her a thumbs up. Rose groans and ducks her head, grabbing Jannah by the hand, waving at everyone and placing a kiss atop Rey’s head.

As soon as Rose and Jannah leave, Kaydel turns to Rey. “Okay, listen. I know Rose is like  _ highly _ against Kylo for whatever reason but the guy is fucking  _ hot _ and he’s definitely eyeing you and I just have you the best alibi, so you better get some dick and also, if he does end up being creepy or weird or if you feel like you’re going to get axe murdered, kick him in the balls and run. Invitation is open to our place.”

“He doesn’t  _ want _ me.” Rey tries to tell Kaydel but Kaydel isn’t listening, instead, she’s shrugging on her leather jacket and rolling her eyes. Snap gives Rey a sympathetic look. 

“You won’t know until you go over there.” She sighs and places her hands on Rey’s shoulders. “You deserve to be happy and we are definitely getting you laid. If you get one of those tonight, that’s a win. If you get both, that’s an even better win. But you won’t know until you try. So go. Climb him like a fucking tree.” She grins wickedly. “And then give me all the details tomorrow.” 

And with that, Kaydel and Snap leave.

And Rey is left alone. 

(Again. Like always. Inevitably.)

* * *

She hasn’t drank a lot. She never really does. Rey has been around drunks too much in her life to put more than two drinks in her mouth. She doesn’t like to lose control. Losing control means that she doesn’t have her wits about her and not having her wits about her is a recipe for disaster. 

Rey prides herself on taking care of herself. On defending herself with scrappy technique and the sheer will to live despite everything. 

She makes her way through the crowd of people, mumbling apologies as she bumps into some and dodges straying hands and lewd comments. 

If she’s honest, she doesn’t even know  _ why _ she’s doing this. Why she even  _ wants _ to. 

Which is laughable. Because  _ of course _ she knows  _ why _ she’s doing this.  _ Of course  _ she knows  _ why _ she even  _ wants _ to do this. Because he’s Kylo and she’s Rey and she  _ wants _ him. 

More than she thinks she’s wanted anything in her life. 

(Wishing that she could have met Ben Solo, wishing that her parents didn’t leave her, wishing that she had someone to love her as she grew up, don’t even cross her mind as she crosses the bar to get to him. Except they do. They always seem to.)

He’s still nursing his drink from before, eyes hooded and watching her make her way towards him. If Rey were any other woman, she would try to swing her hips a bit more, maybe give him a coy smile like she sees all the other people do. Like she sees Kaydel do to get Snap’s attention when he’s deep in conversation with Poe and Finn. 

But Rey isn’t anyone else, she’s  _ Rey _ and she doesn’t know  _ how _ to be sexy. She just knows how to be her and she hopes that’s enough. At least for tonight. 

“I didn’t know you came to  _ Stardust _ .” Rey says as she slips onto the stool next to him. She turns her body on the stool so she’s facing him and her back is facing the rest of the bar. The proximity makes their knees touch. Even though he’s wearing a pair of black jeans, Rey can feel the heat of him. “Was this place around when you used to live here?”

Christ. Didn’t she  _ just _ tell herself earlier today that there was a boundary she had to respect? Because she would want the same thing for herself? Clearly not, considering her brain hasn’t connected to her mouth yet. 

“It was under construction when I left.” He takes a deep gulp of his drink and makes a face at what’s likely the burn in the back of his throat. She catches a whiff of the drink. 

_ Scotch _ . 

She’s suddenly reminded of Han and dinner’s at their house and how he always has a glass of scotch with dinner despite Leia reminding him of doctor’s orders. 

She nods to the drink. “Are you getting another drink?”

He leans in and there’s a trace of the scotch on his breath and it’s intoxicating to Rey. “No. And you’re not here for a drink, are you?”

“I’m here with my friends.”

“Your friends left you.” He reminds her, hand going to her thigh. 

Rey sucks in a breath. His hand is warm against her thigh and huge. It spans the entirety of her thigh and his fingers trace shapes into one side of her thighs and his thumbs move gently back and forth in a soothing motion. It’s intoxicating. The feel of his skin on hers. She feels her face burn. “Things came up.”

“Things always come up.” He says, leaning forward just a bit more until his lips are a hair’s breadth away from hers. “Does that mean they always leave you behind?”

_ Yes _ . They don’t do it intentionally. She  _ knows _ they don’t. She knows they have their own lives and their own needs and she doesn’t begrudge them for that. But it doesn’t help the sting when they inevitably leave her behind. 

But Rey doesn’t tell him any of that. “They don’t.”

He doesn’t say anything else but instead hikes his hand higher on her thigh until he reaches the hem of her skirt and his fingers fiddle with the fabric. He stands up and pulls her with him with surprisingly gentle hands. He crowds her by the bar, so her back is facing the bartender and he covers his body with hers, so that if anyone were to look over, they would just be two people attracted to each other. Maybe even lovers. 

The hand on the hem of her skirt works its way up, slipping between her legs and traces the edge of her underwear. 

Rey’s eyes widen, mouth gaping. “What…?” The word breaks off when he slinks a finger inside her underwear and swipes a finger across her center. She gasps, back arching in surprise, looking around the bar in a hurry. She’s trembling and she doesn’t know if it’s from excitement, from fear of being caught and getting thrown out of her favourite bar or from something else. 

She thinks it’s a mixture of all three. 

He leans down so his mouth is by her ear, his breath hot against her. “Do you know how long I’ve waited to feel you? Fuck. Rey, I  _ knew _ you’d be wet for me.” He nips at her earlobe and one of his fingers swipe at her again, teasing her without ever actually entering her. “Does public indecency turn you on, Rey? Or is it just me?” He presses against her harder she whimpers. “Or maybe you’d be this wet for anyone?”

She shakes her head. “No.” She breathes out. “Just you.”

“Tell me why you came over here, Rey.” His body is still looming over her, pressing against her until the groves of the bar leave marks in her skin. 

He’s different. He’s so different like this. It’s like the haunted man she’s known disappears and in his place is this man who  _ knows _ what he wants and isn’t afraid to take it. And  _ fuck _ , if this isn’t made up of the fantasies she’s had of him. Of the daydreams she finds herself slipping into time after time. 

He swipes again and Rey bites her lip, the truth falling from her lips faster than she would like. “Because you looked lonely.” His face snaps to hers and he’s frowning at her, fingers ceasing their teasing and she almost  _ howls _ at the emptiness. “Kylo, please.”

And there. He’s back. His face falling into an expression of bewilderment, awe, reverence and maybe a little bit of self-loathing. 

He’s starting to tremble against her and she can feel his erection press against her inner thighs and fuck. Fuck. He’s big. 

“Tell me why you really came over here, Rey.”

A finger slides over her once more, and his face takes on that haunted look again, as if he’s begging her to tell him to stop or to keep going or to leave. She finds herself panicking at the thought of him leaving her, at the thought of his skin leaving hers, of leaving her wanting and lonely. And she’s tired of being lonely. “Don’t stop.” She presses herself against him. Then suddenly he’s there, swiping the wetness collecting in her core, finger gently grazing her sensitive skin before slipping in, finger curling. “I want you to fuck me.” She breathes, words caught in a gasp, face flushing. She’s not sure if it’s from his actions, from the heat of the bar or from the heat tearing through her body. 

She thinks it’s likely all three. 

There’s a grin that stretches across his face and it’s not completely nice. It’s not gentle like his fingers. If anything, it looks like he just won something and he’s  _ conflicted _ about it. She can feel his fingers slide out from her skirt and she groans at the lack of touch. She can feel him straighten her skirt across her thighs. 

“What about you?” She asks, a moment after catching her breath. She notices the bartender eyeing them warily as she comes towards them with a receipt. Rey burns with shame when the bartender looks at her with a raised eyebrow, a question in her eyes. She knows the bartender. She’s laughed and talked with her a few times. She sees her around the neighborhood and she’s pretty sure that she’s had a few elective classes with her. 

_ Are you okay? _ She asks silently, keeping a cordial smile for Kylo and a worried glance at Rey. 

Rey nods discreetly, trying not to stare at her for too long. 

Kylo’s hand around her waist tightens and he nods stiffly at the bartender, slapping down a twenty and steering Rey away from the bar, towards the front entrance.

“What about  _ me _ , Rey?” He asks as soon as they’re outside and the din of the bar is closed off from them as soon as the bar doors swing shut. The night is cool, the dog days of summer coming to a grinding halt and Rey can feel it, she can feel everything changing. “Why did you come over to me?”

“Why were  _ you _ looking at me the entire night? Why did  _ you _ let me sit next to you? Why did  _ you _ just do what you did?”

He cocks an eyebrow at her. “Why do  _ you _ think  _ I _ did all that?”

Rey puffs herself up, making herself seem stronger and more confident than she’s currently feeling. “I think it’s because you want to fuck me as much as I want to fuck you.”

He tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and leans down so his mouth is against her ear again. “I’m going to do more than fuck you, Rey. I’m going to destroy you.”

Rey shivers and she’s not entirely sure it’s because of the sudden cool breeze she feels when they exit the bar or because of his promise.

Here’s the thing: Rey told herself that she would only take what she’s offered. That she wouldn’t push him anymore. That she wouldn’t demand to want to know things that he’s not ready to share. 

Here’s another thing: maybe, just  _ maybe _ , she finds that she wants  _ everything _ from him. And maybe, just maybe, she’s willing to give everything. And that,  _ that _ terrifies her. 

(Maybe.)

* * *

She eyes his Mercedes car with envy and maybe a little trepidation before she bites her lip and opens the passenger door, sliding onto the leather seat, buckling herself in. 

His hand is on her thigh the entire ride through neighborhoods she’s somewhat familiar with. They pull into the underground parking of a new apartment building in one of more wealthier areas of the city. It’s where she, Finn and Rose walk through sometimes, when they’re bored and the weather is nice enough to go exploring, laughing and pointing at the apartments and houses they want to live in and what they’d do if they were filthy rich. 

She unbuckles her seatbelt when he cuts the engine off after he slips into his assigned parking spot. She doesn’t even have time to turn her body to get out of the car before he’s pulling her closer towards him, over the center console and crashing his lips onto hers. 

Kylo kisses her like he’s dying of thirst. 

Kylo kisses her like he’s been bereft of feeling and touch for years. 

Rey kisses him like she’s always wanted to. With earnest. 

His tongue meets hers and the way he kisses her is just  _ filthy _ and her skin erupts in goosebumps because all she can think about is what’s going to come next. 

He pulls away from her, panting heavily. “Fuck. You have  _ no idea _ how long I’ve wanted to do that.”

“Tell me.” She implores him.  _ Tell me I’m not alone in feeling like this. That I haven’t been going out of my mind wanting you. _

He smirks at her and it’s both wicked and hesitant and he’s such a juxtaposition, this man. “I would rather show you.”

Rey nods, trying to catch her breath when he leaves the car. She opens the passenger door and barely manages to shut it before he’s grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the elevators. 

He presses her against the elevator mirrors as soon as the doors close, crowding her like he did at the bar and kissing her until she feels weak in the knees and forgets her name. 

She can hear Rose’s giggle in her mind and Kaydel’s voice as the elevator door dings open and he’s pulling her out of it and down the hallway, punching in a code at a door and then ushering her in, head sticking out of the door, looking side to side as if to verify no one was watching them. It’s an odd thing to do but Rey can hardly think anymore because he closes the door and locks it, turning around and grabbing her by the waist, kissing her again.

This time, Rey meets him halfway and pours  _ all _ of her frustrations,  _ all _ of her desperation,  _ everything _ she’s been feeling her entire life into the kiss. 

_ We really need to get you laid.  _

Rey closes her eyes, breathes in, opens her eyes and breathes out. 

_ I’m going to destroy you, Rey.  _


	6. It bathes my skin (I’m stained in you)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL. HERE HAVE SOME SMUT. Basically, this entire chapter is sex. #sorrynotsorry
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy it! Thank you so so so much for your reception to this story! It means so much! 
> 
> Title is from Insatiable - Darren Hayes
> 
> P.S. Any mistakes are mine and mine alone but it’s like super late here and my eyes are tiiiiiired. LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!

When Rey first moves in with Han and Leia, Leia takes her to a doctor. Rey has never been to a doctor’s office before. On Jakku, there was a clinic that was always busy and if Rey needed anything, she went to the old woman on the outskirts of town, with her herbal remedies and beaded curtains that Rey liked to play with.

The doctor that Leia took her to is not like the ones in the clinic in Jakku. She’s not like Mashra. No. This doctor wore slacks and a blouse with a white coat over her. She spoke with soft words and made sure to tell Rey what she was doing and when. 

After the doctor pokes and prods her, she takes a deep breath and tells Rey that Leia wanted her to speak about birth control methods with her and that she only would if  _ you feel comfortable talking about it _ . 

Rey blushes scarlet. She starts stuttering and the doctor smiles at her, as if amused and then her face turns serious. “I’m going to give you pamphlets on different kinds of birth control. But if you think you’re going to be sexually active, you should  _ absolutely _ look into getting some form of it. Condoms are great protection against STI’s and unless you’re one hundred percent sure about your partner’s sexual history, then I strongly recommend condoms and even if you  _ are _ certain, I  _ still _ recommend condoms but another birth control method is  _ highly _ recommended.”

Rey mumbles her  _ thanks _ , takes the pamphlets and shoves them into her bag, face red as she follows Leia out the office doors when she leaves the doctor. 

One month later she’s back in the doctor’s office to get an IUD inserted because she doesn’t like the idea of taking a pill every day, she’s not the biggest fan of needles and she really doesn’t want to dig in there to try and correctly fit a ring. So, she opts for an IUD that will help with her periods and also help her  _ not _ get pregnant. 

Which she thinks is a win-win situation. 

She’s especially thankful for it now. 

Because while Rey isn’t a stranger to sex, she is a stranger to this though. 

This all-consuming, toe-curling,  _ holy shit what the fuck is my name and what day is it _ , type of thing. Rey isn’t used to that. 

And they haven’t even taken off each other’s clothes yet. He still has her pressed against the door, hands gripping one of her thighs as he brings it to rest around his hip, pressing his, what she most definitely imagines to be, impressive cock against her core. 

His kisses really  _ are _ filthy. Rey has never been kissed like this before. She feels as if he’s trying to memorize every dip, every crevice of her mouth. And she tries to keep up with him, she really does, but he does this  _ thing _ , where she thinks she’ll have her head on straight and thinks she finally has the upper hand and then he’ll press into her, and make her see stars all over again and then she’s a  _ gone _ , along for the ride. 

The hand that isn’t gripping her thigh, is pressed against her abdomen, keeping her in place. She’s always noticed his hands before, it’s hard not to when every part of him is large, but his hands are especially large when splayed against her like this. The entirety of his hand spans against her rib cage, fingers long and thick and her thighs tremble with anticipation of having those fingers in her cunt. 

God, she can only hope. 

He pulls away from her, panting heavily. “As much as I love having you up against the door, I’m going to fuck you in my bed.”

“Okay.” She agrees. Because really, there’s nothing she can do  _ other _ than agree.

She expects him to put her leg back down. She expects him to grab her hand and she’ll follow him through his loft to his bedroom. She  _ doesn’t _ expect him to move his hands to grip her ass and heft her up into his arms. She automatically wraps her legs around his waist and the sudden added height she has from being carried in his arms makes her heart plummet out of her stomach. 

He kisses her again and he stumbles only a few times to his bedroom and  _ fuck _ , Rey is pretty sure that she’s drunk off his kisses. As soon as his knees hit the bed, he’s dropping her onto the mattress, his body falling on top of hers, a breadth away from slamming into her but she can see his muscles corded from exerting strength to make sure he doesn’t crush her in their fall. 

It’s a game of push and pull from there. He pushes her cardigan off her shoulders and onto his bedroom floor, she pulls him closer, trying to feel him all over again before tearing his shirt off. They both kick off their shoes and he’s dragging her further up the bed, pulling at her shirt. She’s yanking his belt from its buckle and he’s slipping her skirt down her legs, pressing kisses along exposed skin.

She’s wearing a cotton bra and underwear and she would be embarrassed of them if he even bothered to look at them, instead of just peeling them off her body. She’s using her feet to try and push his pants off and he lets out a growl and stands up, yanking his pants and briefs down with him. 

Rey’s breath catches. It’s one thing to feel him through clothes. It’s one thing to imagine him. It’s another thing entirely to actually see him. And  _ God _ , does she ever see him. He’s long, thick and hard and Rey isn’t that ignorant to not know that it’s going to take work to make sure that he doesn’t tear through her. “You’re a lot bigger than what I’m used to.” She blurts out and then flushes bright red. 

He’s back to hovering over her when she says this and she watches as his body stills and then his eyes narrow. She watches as something flares across his eyes, feels his hands clench into fists from where they stationed on each side of her head, caging her in like she’s some sort of feral animal and not him. He takes a deep breath, then another and a third before he’s finally able to say something. “You’re mine. You’ve been mine since I first saw you.”

She frowns, her stomach clenching and she pushes at his chest. 

_ (You think anyone’s going to want you girl? Your family sold you for drugs and alcohol. You’re mine.) _

“I’m no one’s.” She hisses. She has spent the last four years, almost five, trying to make sure that she didn’t belong to anyone. She couldn’t...not after Plutt. Not after what happened to her. Not after Jakku. Not after everything. 

His hair falls over his face and she can’t bring herself to look away from him. She’s never felt so strong, so in control as she does now, which is funny to her considering she’s naked and underneath him, submissive in the most primal of ways. But the way he looks at her, the way he touches her, the way he kisses her...it makes her wonder how long it’s been since he had someone like this. 

She knows she’s border-lining desperate for him but she wonders if he’s just as, if not more, desperate for her too.

He inclines his head, as if to concede her point. “You don’t belong to anyone.” He repeats. He leans forward, resting himself between her legs, a hand snaking between them, fingers tracing her clit. She bucks up at the sudden surprise touch and he grins. “But tonight, you do belong to me. All the nights you spend with me, you belong to me.”

She’s been wet since the bar and God only knows she’s gotten wetter since they crashed through the front door of his loft, so it doesn’t surprise her when he easily slides a thick finger inside of her. She’s tight and she lets out a choked gasp that switches to a choked breathless laugh. “Confident…” she trails off, breathing through her mouth as he slides his finger out and then slides back in. “Confident that I’ll be here more than once?”

Rey is somewhat proud of herself for getting out so many words while he’s fingering her. Because everything burns in a way that she wants  _ more _ and everything feels magnified.

He gives her that grin that isn’t really even a grin, just an uptick of the corner of his lips but it’s enough to drive her crazy. “I have no doubt.” He kisses her and then adds a second finger, swallowing her gasp. 

She’s working up a sweat already, body keenly aware that she’s close,  _ so _ close. She’s trembling and there are so many noises coming out of her mouth, especially when he wraps his lips around her right nipple and sucks. “Kylo.” She moans. “Please.” 

“Please what?” He says. His voice seems unaffected but his tone is obviously not. She peers down as he swirls his tongue around her nipple and then switches to the other one. She can feel his thumb tap a slow excruciating rhythm on her clit and she whimpers, back arching.

Her hands are curled into his hair and she pulls. “Just, please.”

He kisses her clavicle. “Since you asked so nicely.” He pumps his fingers no more than four times, curling on the fourth and she crashes. She can hear her cry echo throughout his bedroom and she would be mortified at her volume, but she can’t bring herself to be anything other than wrapped in bliss. 

He gives her until she catches her breath again and then he’s kneeling, hands tugging on his cock twice and reaching over to his bedside table. 

“I’m clean.” It’s something she probably should have said from the beginning but they were both preoccupied and she knows she should. Safe sex is important, she knows its, her doctor gave her a lecture about it. She remembers it clearly. She thinks her doctor would be  _ so _ disappointed in her right now and to be fair, Rey does feel a slight twinge of disappointment in herself because  _ yes _ , she has an IUD but she’s been vehemently pro condom with her other partners. She also recognizes though that if she  _ doesn’t _ feel him in  _ every single way _ , she’s pretty sure she’ll combust. “And I have an IUD.” She still thinks Leia taking her to the doctors to get tested and spoken to about birth control options still ranks as one of the most mortifying things she’s ever had to go through.

But now she can’t help but want to  _ thank _ Leia. 

He stills, body clenching and then he relaxes and nods, coming back to settle between her legs. His hands are on her knees and he nudges her legs wider to accommodate him better. He’s lined up against her and there is a brief exchange of eye contact, a deep breath and nod on her part and then he pushes in. 

Rey hisses as he slips inside of her inch by inch. She’s already keyed up from her last orgasm and she doesn’t know how long she’s going to last. Especially not with the way he’s stretching her, the way he’s filling her, the way he’s tattooing himself inside every part of her. 

She bends her legs and lifts them, hugging the outside of his hips and that action propels him forward in surprise and she lets out a cry when his pelvis presses against hers. 

God. He’s everything she’s ever wanted. He’s everything she thinks she’s been missing. 

There’s a moment, just a moment, just an exchange of breath, where something passes between them and then it’s like everything unleashes. He pistons in and out of her and she’s  _ wild _ with it. 

She’s free.

“Fuck Rey.” Kylo groans in her ear, breath hot and panting against her. “Do you know how long I’ve wanted this? How long I’ve dreamt about this?” He thrusts harder, just a little bit deeper and Rey keens, mind empty as she just concentrates on the way he feels inside of her. One of his hands reaches up to her left breast and rolls her nipple between his index finger and thumb. “Too long. Rey. Too fucking long. Years. I’ve wanted you for years.”

It only takes him a couple more thrusts and tugs on her nipple for her to come again and she  _ explodes _ . A kaleidoscope of colours blurs her vision. Her back arches, she can feel herself clench around him and and she lets out a scream so loud, she vaguely wonders if his neighbours will be worried. 

He’s letting out a litany of curses, interspersed with, “so good. You feel so good.” He’s losing control and slamming into her, taking her breath away with each snap of his hips and then he’s there, spilling inside of her. He grunts, back curving and then he comes back down, pulling out of her when he goes limp and rolling onto his back. 

Rey is panting, still catching her breath as the cool air in the room washes over her. Her body is still trembling, feeling the aftershocks of two orgasms. 

They don’t say anything, just lay there, catching their breath, their spend intermixed between their thighs. 

* * *

It’s easier to take him on top. Which is what she does not even an hour later. 

The sheets are damp but are wrapped around them as he guides her hips over him. She’s staring down at him, his eyes hooded and leaning against his head against the headboard as she rides him. 

She huffs out a breath. “Have you...do you...you look  _ so _ familiar.”

The fact that she’s even talking, let alone wants to hold a conversation is a feat in and of itself but this has been  _ bothering _ her since she first saw him. Since he entered into her life and became part of it, probably without even meaning to. 

Because he does, he looks so familiar, it  _ hurts _ that she can’t place him.

His head comes forward, eyes clearing of any sexual haze and she can feel him tense underneath her, inside of her. His hands on her hips grip tightly and she can feel the grove of his fingernails leave half-crescent moon shapes. She hisses. “Kylo. You’re  _ hurting _ me.”

A look of devastation flitters across his face, as if hurting her is the  _ last _ thing he wants to do. He lets go of her hips with such suddenness that Rey almost loses her balance on top of him. The silence, other than her pants and heaving breathing and little moans torn from deep in her throat, is deafening. He leans forward again, this time hands hovering over her hips, barely touching but heat emanating from them, and slides in deeper. Rey squeaks as his head rests against her shoulder. “It seems all I can do is hurt you.”

She doesn’t understand. 

And she finds that she can’t even be bothered to understand because he’s taken over the tempo and it’s not brutal but it’s definitely desperate. Definitely aching to reach every part of her she didn’t know existed. 

She thinks they’re like this for hours, until her knees start to hurt at least, and then he pulls her off of him and turns her around on her hands and knees. 

Her heart stutters. “I haven’t…” she’s panicking, “Kylo, I’ve never…”

“I got you, Rey.” He whispers, tucking strands of hair behind her ear. “I’ve got you. Trust me.”

She’s shaking when he enters her from behind and then she lets out a moan. He thrusts gently at first, letting her get used to him and the way he feels inside of her in this position.  _ Full _ , she thinks, she feels full in ways she didn’t know possible. She cries out when he pulls her back, so she’s just on her knees and his hands are everywhere at once, her head is swimming with desire. He thrusts  _ up _ and she loses all semblance of thought.

She gasps for breath she can’t find. 

“Do you like it?” He breathes into her ear.

She nods. “Yeah.”

“Think you can handle a bit more?”

“Yes.” She almost sobs when he speeds up, the sounds of sex filling her ears. “ _ Yes _ .”

One of his hands drifts downward and his index finger curls inside of her while the other hand alternates between her breasts. She’s overwhelmed with sensation and she doesn’t even recognize her own voice, begging and pleading for more. 

When she finally orgasms, she thinks she sees stars. 

Not even a moment later, Kylo follows her, letting out a strangled grunt, he pulls her closer to him, slipping in deeper so that Rey feels herself pulse around him. 

He’s gentle when he slowly eases out of her and leads her backwards, resting her on her back as he follows suit. 

There is a little bit of space between them and Rey moves her hand, with her trembling fingers and clutches his, weakly dragging him closer to her. 

There’s too much emotion warring in her. There’s too much of  _ everything _ in her for her to be alone. She needs comfort in a way she doesn’t think she’s ever needed comfort. Not even when begged and pleaded for her parents to come back and all of those begs and pleads fell on deaf ears.

He’s careful with arranging her so he’s curled around her and she knows he hasn’t done this before because he’s awkward in the way he holds her and in the way he doesn’t know what to do with his arms. 

She knows because Rey is similar. She’s never really liked cuddling. She’s never really stayed the night.

But there’s something about Kylo. Something that pulls him to her. 

His lips hover underneath her ear, where her scar is and she knows he sees it. She knows because of the way his body seizes as if he’s seen something horrible but before she can roll away from him, before she can tell him that not all people come out of life unscathed, he presses a gentle, hesitant kiss to it. 

Almost as if he’s apologizing. 

For what, she doesn’t know. And she doesn’t get to find out, because when she breathes out and closes her eyes, she doesn’t open them again until the next morning, falling asleep in his arms. 

* * *

That night, Rey doesn’t dream.

* * *

When Rey wakes up, it's to the sun in her eyes and more comfortable than she remembers being. In fact, the last time she can remember being this comfortable was staying in Ben’s room at Han and Leia’s. Rey burrows her head into the pillow, lets out a content hum and moves to shift into a different position. 

Moving  _ hurts _ . The tell tale soreness between her legs and how her body feels like lead makes her memories come back to her in a flood of images. Her friends. The bar. Kylo. 

God.  _ Kylo _ . 

She turns her head but already knows he’s not there. She frowns and sits up gingerly, pulling the sheets to her chest. She tries not to let it get to her, she really does. She takes a few deep breaths and shifts her legs over the bed, looking for her underwear and clothes. She takes the sheets with her, not able to stomach walking around naked in Kylo’s room, in his loft, when he’s not there. 

She’s gathering all of her clothes, loosening her fingers to let go of the sheet when the bedroom door opens. Her head turns sharply at the sound and she sucks in a deep breath when she sees him. 

He’s dressed in dark clothes and he looks exhausted. It also looks like he’s been up for hours. 

He’s frowning at her as he walks deeper into the room. “Are you leaving?”

“You weren’t here. I thought...I overstayed my welcome.”

They never discussed what would happen past last night and Rey just assumed that she would leave in the morning, pretending to be none the wiser of what is essentially life-changing sex. God, she doesn’t think she could ever have sex with someone else other than Kylo. She doesn’t think anyone could measure up, if she’s honest. 

She also doesn’t really know how she can go about her day, her week, her life, pretending not to know what he feels like or how he looks like or how he sounds, knowing full well that she will likely never be able to in this same predicament again.

“I had work.”

“At  _ seven o’clock _ in the  _ morning _ on a  _ Saturday _ ?”

He gives her a wry smile and sits on the edge of his bed, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards him to stand between his legs. “It’s a time sensitive thing.” He grabs the edge of the sheet wrapped around her and unfurls it until she’s standing before him naked. He licks his lips and his hands come up to trace a fiery trail across her body. “I can make you breakfast.”

“You cook?” She doesn’t bother hiding her surprise. 

“I do.” He kisses the underside of her breasts. “Do you want eggs? Pancakes?”

She gives him an apologetic smile. “I’m meeting my friends later for brunch. I’ll skip breakfast. Do you have coffee though?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t drink coffee. I have tea or kombucha.”

She frowns. “You don’t drink coffee? I thought...you come into the cafe for coffee. Since you for sure don’t come in for the food.”

He shakes his head. “I don’t really come in for either. The food and coffee is shit there to be honest.”

Rey lets out a burst of laughter. “Don’t let Maz hear you say that.”

“I’ve told her that before.” He confesses. “When I was younger before…”

Before he left. When he lived here. When he had a life that  _ wasn’t _ much of a life here.

“If you don’t come in for the coffee or food, what do you come in for?”

He gives her a glance and wraps his arms around her waist, twisting and turning them until she’s underneath him. His hands caress her face. “Don’t you know by now?” He whispers against her lips. “You. Just you.”

* * *

Rey knows that Kylo has a good mouth. She’s often fantasized about it and after last night, she knows it intimately. 

Right now though, Rey is realizing how  _ talented _ Kylo is with his mouth. The way his tongue pulses inside of her, the way he sucks on her clit, the way he seems to just devour her and enjoys the way her legs tremble around his shoulders and the way her voice catches and hitches and the way she begs and pleads. 

That morning she comes once against his mouth, once on his fingers and once pressed up against the shower wall with Kylo behind her, guiding her to the precipice and then tumbling off of it with her. She lets him hold her up as he rinses her down and washes her hair and she tries to do the same but after three mind-blowing orgasms, her hands are too shaky and her legs strain from getting on her tiptoes to reach him. 

Afterwards, she dries off with his towel and puts on her clothes from last night, walking into his living room and looks around the space. She makes her way around his loft, examining his kitchen and his rec room, which is essentially just a boxing bag and weights, but it’s still a glimpse into his life. 

She can hear him putter around his bedroom and Rey continues walking around, past the kitchen with its gleaming appliances and marble counters. There’s a closet and out of curiosity she grabs the latch to open it to see but frowns when it won’t budge. 

“What are you doing?” He asks her, his voice is harder than it’s ever been and Rey lets go of the latch as if it burns her. 

She blushes and fidgets. “Honestly? Just being nosy. Your door is stuck, by the way. I could fix it for you. I’m good with my hands.”

“It’s not stuck. It’s locked. It’s...where I keep my work stuff.”

She nods slowly, like she understands when she doesn’t. “Right. Your top secret work.” She abandons the closet and walks closer to him, hands resting on his chest, feeling the way his heart beats underneath the palms of her hands. “You ever going to tell me what you  _ actually _ do.”

He’s hesitant and then his face twists into a grimace. “You wouldn’t…” He shakes his head.

Rey lets it go for now. “You box? I’ve always wanted to. I’m just...I just learned from the older kids in Jakku. A couple of them took me under their wing for a bit and taught me how to be scrappy. I’ve never been taught properly.”

She remembers them. A pair of teenage brothers whose parents were long dead and who took pity on her and taught her the basics of how to throw a punch, how to block a punch, how to kick properly.  _ They were good people _ , she thinks. They looked out for her when she was younger. They told her who to stay away from. They told her who she could go to for help. They introduced her to Lor San Tekka.

They were  _ good people _ . 

But good people in Jakku never last. 

She remembers hearing about it. How they got caught up with the wrong people and how they couldn’t pay on time and how they tried to run away. Except they were caught. The younger brother was beaten beyond recognition, pronounced dead on the scene, the older brother was restrained, a bullet to his forehead. 

Her throat closes up and she shakes her head, trying to shake the memories away.

He loops his fingers in the waistband of her skirt and pulls her to him. “I could teach you. How to defend yourself so you won’t ever be in a position where you’re…”  _ Vulnerable. Weak. Pathetic.  _

He doesn’t say the words but she hears them.

She  _ always _ hears them. 

Her heart is beating soundly against her ribs. She pulls her hair to the side and shows him the molted and twisted scar underneath her ear, the one he kissed last night. She doesn’t know why she wants to tell. All she knows is that she’s in his house, his sanctuary. He’s let her in even though she gives him nothing about her past and thinks that maybe, just maybe, she can give him this.

Maybe she tells him to thank him for the offer to help her protect herself in ways that she couldn’t protect herself before.

“I was in Jakku. I was eighteen. Someone...some guy, he attacked me. Tried to kill me. First by trying to choke me and then by trying to cut my throat open.” She chances a look at him there is such devastation in his eyes, such an enormous amount of guilt that she’s taken aback by it. “He cut me underneath my ear and I just screamed and kicked and punched and everything the guys in Jakku was a jumbled mess in my head. I knew what I needed to do but it didn’t seem clear, my  _ fight or flight  _ response was off for too long during that... _ altercation _ and I just...I wanted to live, you know?”

“I know.” His voice is torn and Rey can’t even think of why. All she can think about is that night in Jakku. “Did they ever catch the guy?”

Rey shrugs. “I don’t think so…? I...someone I know in Jakku found me not long after and he brought me here, introduced me to some really great people and I...found a place where I belong, I think.”

“I’m glad.” He breathes, reaching a shaky hand to the back of her neck and she meets him halfway, tilting her head so he can rest his forehead against hers. Sagging against her as if all of the fight has disappeared from him. “I’m sorry.” He apologizes in the same breathless and torn way. 

“Don’t be.” She whispers. “I’m alive.”

“Will you let me teach you? How to defend yourself?”

Rey finds herself nodding. 

He kisses her and pulls her to the couch and takes off all of her clothes so he can worship her a fourth time that morning.

* * *

By the time Rey is on her way to brunch, she finally checks her phone to see an explosion of messages and missed calls. 

Most of them are from Finn and Rose. 

A couple of them are from Jannah. 

A few are from Kaydel, mainly asking her if she’s  _ still alive _ and if she  _ got sexed into her grave. _

Rey is late to brunch and wearing yesterday’s clothes. 

Kaydel crows loudly enough that she gets glared at from other patrons. 

Jannah lets out a laugh and whoops. 

Finn shares a look with Rose and Rose looks at her with a frown and a vague look of uneasy disappointment. 

It twists Rey’s insides. 

Rey slides in next to Rose and nudges her arm. 

Rose gives her a small smile and leans in to her. “Kylo?” At Rey’s nod, Rose lets out a soft curse. “Yeah, when Kaydel came in with Snap and you weren’t behind them, I lost my shit and then Kay mentioned that Kylo was there last night and I just...Rey, he gives me the creeps. There’s something  _ wrong _ with him.” She folds her hands in her lap and ignores everyone else talking over one another. She lets out a sigh. “You’ll just...you’ll be careful, right? Like very careful.”

Rey nods slowly, “You need to trust me. I know what I’m doing.” Rey actually has  _ no idea _ what she’s doing, other than Kylo and maybe a relationship but even  _ that’s _ a bit undecided at the moment. 

“I trust  _ you _ completely. I don’t trust him.”

Kaydel cuts into their conversation, face alight with eagerness. “How was the sex? Mind blowing, right? It  _ looks _ like it would be mind blowing with him.”

“Literally, I’m  _ right _ here.” Snap interrupts. Kaydel shushes him. 

Rey burns bright red and traces unknown shapes into the table, over and over again, in a loop that seems so familiar to her. 

Kaydel lets out a shrill laugh and claps. “Tell me  _ everything _ .”

“Or you could not.” Finn butts in. “Like really. Do not.”

Rose rolls her eyes and Jannah boos him. 

They place their orders and they’re still laughing about everything and nothing and Rey is lost in the emotions that she feels for this ragtag group of people who took her in and who love her without any questions asked. Who have accepted her for her past that she doesn’t want to share and are actively making her present and future a better place. 

She finds that she’s overcome with emotion, smiling so brightly and laughing extra loudly, wrapping an arm around Finn’s shoulder, teasing Poe, nudging Rose every now and then, trying to get information about her and Jannah and Rose finally slaps her hand and whispers that she’ll tell her  _ everything at home. _ Rey grins toothily, happy at a job well done. She listens to more of Jannah’s stories, she exchanges wide-eyed glances and secret laughs with Kaydel and talks sports, politics and entertainment with Snap. 

She’s so invested with living in the moment that she doesn’t realize there’s a set of eyes watching her every move. 

Nor does she realize that she’s still tracing unknown shapes onto the table, loop after loop, a pattern so familiar to her, yet one she can’t name. 

* * *

It’s only when she’s walking home with Finn and Rose, arms linked together that she realizes she was tracing outlines of Kylo’s tattoos. 

Dark flames that lick up his arms and cord over his biceps, enveloping him whole. 

* * *

She remembers that night, when she’s back in her own bed and replaying the previous’ nights events in her mind, what he said in the middle of them having sex. 

And she knows she was so far gone to even register his words but all she can do is think about them now. 

_ Do you know how long I’ve wanted this? How long I’ve dreamt about this? Too long. Rey. Too fucking long. Years. I wanted you for years. _

Which is odd to her, considering she’s only really known him for a week.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOPE YOU ENJOYED! 
> 
> Also, I hope everyone is staying safe!


	7. You let your mind out somewhere down the road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Thank you so much for your continued support for this little story. Your responses and love mean a lot to me! Hopefully you all like this update. All warnings still apply. 
> 
> Title is taken from the song Don’t Bring Me Down by the Electric Light Orchestra

She’s sweaty, her chest heaving up and down with the rapid pace of her heart. Kylo doesn’t look any better. A sheen of sweat covering his body and his tattoos shining luminously in the light. She can feel the wraps around her hands loosen as she tears off the boxing gloves Kylo lent her. They’re big on her and no matter how much he tightens the velcro for her, they still feel heavy on her hands. 

She likes boxing. She always did. It’s just in Jakku, she was never  _ actually _ trained. She was always taught the basics. She was taught how to hit where she needed to hit to give her the time to get away. It was always  _ hit and run, _ never hit to  _ stay and hit some more _ .

Kylo is a good teacher in this regard. He took the first day to go through the basics with her again, refreshing her memory. She took that time to lay to rest the memory of the brothers who laid the foundation for her, she took that time to mourn them in the only way she knew how, to survive. To live. 

He taught her how to properly throw a punch that wouldn’t break her hand. How to not injure her wrist. How to stand properly. 

And now, after she tapped out, after a few hours of hitting the bag and then hitting the pads and then properly kicking, she’s exhausted. She feels drained. 

The week between what happened Friday and before her classes for the Fall semester has flown by. Maz is back and Rey and Rose don’t really have to go back to the cafe as the majority of the regular employees have also made their way back into the city after vacations. They pick up a shift here and there but Maz is adamant that they take the week to relax and get into the right frame of mind to get through their last year of University. 

Rey snorts because she’s  _ never _ left the school frame of mind. 

Han is the same way, now that Chewie is back, Rey barely works at the garage anymore but she does swing by some mornings, mainly because she can and mainly because Leia brings in donuts from the gourmet donut shop down the street and Rey is a sucker for them. 

Most of the time though, she spends it at Kylo’s. Learning how to box.

Among other things she learns. 

She learns how he looks when he comes in her mouth. She learns and commits to memory the keening sound he makes as she plays with her clit when he has her on her stomach and thrusting into her from behind. She learns and feels the sigh he exudes, as if it’s imprinted into her mind, when he first enters her. 

It doesn’t matter the position, it’s always there, just a short exhale through the nose, chest stuttering. 

She learns what he looks like when he’s cooking, concentrating on a task and she’s propped on the marble counter, staring as his muscles ripple with movement. 

She learns every scar on his body. She’s traced them a hundred times in the past week. 

“Where did you get these scars from?” Her fingers are trailing up and down his back, tracing the scars that have puckered pale pink and collected there. She wants to rage, she wants to curse and she wants to hunt down whoever hurt him and make them pay. And this,  _ this _ is sometimes what scares her the most, that she is willing to be violent for someone she met only a short bit ago and doesn’t truly know except for...well, she  _ does _ know him, doesn’t she? 

As well as he knows her at least.

He doesn’t say anything, just turns so the side of his face with the scar is facing her. She understands immediately. There are some things that Kylo won’t even utter in her presence. His work is one of them. 

Rey isn’t stupid. She knows there’s only certain kind of careers that make a living out of having scars the way he has scars. She knows there’s only certain kinds of careers that make a living out of keeping secrets the way he keeps secrets. None of them are pleasant. None of them fill her with hope for the future. 

It’s fun. What they’re doing. Convenient. 

She thinks that if she tells herself this enough times, she’ll start to believe it. 

“Right. Work.” She reaches forward, shifting closer to him and traces her fingers on the scar on his face. “And this? Can you tell me about this scar? Did you get it from work?”

The path of his scar is familiar to her now, the groves, the ridges, the way it’s healed in the minimal sense of things. 

Something tugs at her heart, something blares in her mind and she ignores all of it, exhausted from their training to comprehend what’s in front of her. 

“I did.” His voice is deep, regretful, mournful, guilty. 

“I could kill the person who gave you that.”

One of his hands comes up and snatches her wrist. She’s not a dainty girl but she is when she’s next to Kylo. His fingers wrap around her wrist and overlap. “Don’t say that. You don’t...you can’t...I  _ deserved _ this.”

Rey frowns, bringing her other hand and cradling his cheek. He leans into her hand and it’s moments like these, where he becomes vulnerable, when his past demons float to the surface that she sees the man behind the mask he puts on for everyone else. 

“Why?” She asks him softly, understanding that the answer he gives her has the ability to change everything around them. 

“I’m a monster, Rey. You would do well not to forget that.”

(She’s right. It does change everything but she doesn’t realize it until later).

She shoves her wraps in a separate small laundry bag and shoves them into her gym bag that Rose gave her. “Can I use your shower?”

She’s headed over to Han and Leia’s for their  _ End of Summer Barbecue  _ and she knew she wouldn’t have time to go home, shower, get changed and then make her way over, so she packed her clothes and hoped that Kylo wouldn’t have a problem with her using his shower. 

He nods and gestures her towards the bathroom. 

She’s halfway down the hall when she throws him a look over her shoulder. “Aren’t you going to join me?”

She’s just stepped under the hot spray of water when she feels his arms around her waist, pressing her back into his chest. “Tease.” He nibbles her ear, kissing the scar underneath it and she shivers, despite the hot water. 

“Only for you.” She confesses. 

She’s not surprised to find that she means it. 

She’s also not surprised to find that it terrifies her. 

* * *

She’s slipping her converse on and grabbing her bag, swinging the strap around her shoulder and across her body. He’s on his couch, head tilted back and she’s standing behind him, bending and giving him a kiss on the lips. She pulls away from him and fiddles with the strap of her bag. “I start school on Monday. We should...I won’t have much time, because well...school is important to me. But if you want, we can still...I really like boxing. And you teaching me this stuff. You’re a good teacher.”

He gets off the couch and stands in front of her, hands on her waist. “Did you think that because you started school I wouldn’t want to…” He trails off.

Rey shrugs. “I don’t want to pressure you, you know?”

It’s been on Rey’s mind since she showed back at his loft the day after brunch and didn’t leave it for the whole day. She doesn’t want to be needy because she’s  _ never _ been needy, never had the opportunity or the chance or even  _ wanted _ to be needy. But now, looking at him, knowing that Han and Leia’s get-together is their official end of summer get-together, the one thing that for years, has seen Rey and her group of friends wave goodbye to summer and back off to school and real life, Rey doesn’t want it to end. She doesn’t want the summer and everything that came with it to end. 

It brings everything in perspective and the bubble that Rey existed in, that  _ this _ , whatever  _ this _ is between them, is not just fun or convenient. 

“I need you.” He says, as if that’s the end of discussion _. I need you so even if you have school or friends, there will always be room for you and for me and for this. I need you so I’m not letting you go.  _

It’s simple. Three words. 

Not the three words that everyone seems to swoon over but three words that mean more to her than  _ she _ can ever put into words. 

So, she doesn’t. Instead, she reaches up on her tip toes and kisses him until she can’t breathe. “I have to go.”

He nods and lets her go. 

She takes one last glance at him before she shuts his door and runs to try and make the bus. 

* * *

The thing about Han and Leia, is that she can’t  _ help _ but picture how they actually were as parents. She can’t help but picture how much they must have loved their son and how much their son must have loved them. She can’t help but picture birthday parties and Christmas’. She can’t help but think of potential costumes Ben must have worn every Halloween. 

She can’t help but think how torn apart they actually are, to walk by his room every day and know he will never be able to come back home. 

How conflicted they must have felt when they walked by his room every day and saw her inhabit it, as if she had any right to burrow herself and make a home there.

She can’t help but  _ feel _ for Han and Leia. 

She can’t help but mourn the man she never met but who helped shape her life in ways she didn’t even know he had. 

And every now and then, more often than not, Rey thinks she would have liked Ben Solo. 

And every now and then, more often than not, Rey hopes that Ben Solo would have liked her too. 

The party is in full swing when she gets there and she grins, putting her bag by the stairs and makes her way down the hall and into the kitchen, out the back door where everyone is gathered, talking loudly over one another. 

Rose sees her first and lifts her drink in the air, racing towards her, squealing. 

Rey lets out a loud laugh when she gets an armful of Rose and shares a fond glance with Jannah. “How much has she had to drink?”

Jannah shrugs and smiles at Rose with a twinkle in her eye. It makes Rey’s heart soar. “You know Rose, she’s kind of a light weight.”

“Yeah, I am.” Rose agrees loudly, bursting out into another round of laughter. 

Rey is soon hugging everyone when Jannah gently pulls Rose away from her. She yells happily with Finn, cackles loudly with Kaydel, hugs Maz and listens as the older woman tells her how she’s going to retire to the cabin in the woods as soon as Chewie can stand to leave his  _ boyfriend _ for more than a week. 

Chewie rolls his eyes and hefts Rey in the air. She squeals and when he puts her down, she hugs Han tighter than she normally does and hugs Leia longer than she normally does. 

Things may not have been normal since the day Han lashed out but Rey can’t hold it against him. She finds that she can’t. Because in some abject way, she understands his grief. Understands that losing his son, that never having him back isn’t something he wants to talk about. Isn’t something he wants to be reminded of. 

“You doing okay, Rey?” Leia looks so concerned for her that it almost brings Rey to tears. 

Rey nods and throws an arm around Leia’s waist, peering down happily at the older woman. “I’m fine. Need any help with anything?”

Leia shakes her head but gestures towards Han who is by the grill, drinking a beer and getting into a shouting match with Chewie. “Might want to save Han from himself though.” She shakes her head. “I swear, that man.”

Rey makes her way towards the grill and she hears Chewie guffaw before cuffing Han on the shoulder and leaves to find Maz. “Hey old man.” Rey greets.

Han lifts his eyebrows, looking half-offended. “Don’t start, kid.” He gives her a sideways glance. “You doing good? Any nightmares?”

He says it nonchalantly, but Rey knows that Rose or Finn, quite possibly both, have confessed about her nightmares. She doesn’t blame them. It’s not something they’re used to, not something they know how to handle but she knows that Han is thinking about all those nights she would wake up, throat sore from wretched gasps and sobs. 

There is a pattern that Rey is starting to notice with her dreams and nightmares. It’s something she hasn’t told anyone, something she’s keeping to herself but she finds that when she sleeps next to Kylo, she doesn’t dream. She doesn’t have nightmares, nothing impedes her sleep and she’s well-rested come the morning when he rolls her underneath him and her wretched gasps and sobs are of a different nature. 

When she’s alone, sleeping in her room, the dreams and nightmares come back in full force and she wakes up sweating and terrified of her own shadow. 

(She also knows that when she’s alone, sleeping in her room and she’s jolted awake by shadows come to life in her dreams and nightmares, she reaches over and grabs her phone, plugging in her earphones with trembling hands and putting on Ben’s playlists. Letting the favourite songs and artists of a man long dead, lull her to sleep.)

She doesn’t really stop to think what that means for her. Or what that means for Kylo. What that means for both of them. Instead, she pretends that everything is normal and breathes a little easier when his arms are around her waist and drifting into oblivion, her fingers tracing the outline of his tattoos. 

“I’m doing good.” She tells him truthfully. 

She hasn’t really told Han and Leia about Kylo yet, although part of her is dying to. She doesn’t like hiding things from Han and Leia but there are some things she wants to keep to herself and it’s not like she’s ashamed of Kylo, she’s not. She just wants this to be hers and no one else’s for a little while longer. 

Han hums. “Yeah, nothing to do with the older guy you’ve apparently been seeing, huh?”

Rey freezes. “How…?”

Han nudges his head in Rose’s direction. “She’s a bit worried for you. She doesn’t like him, I take it?”

“Rose doesn’t really know him.” Rey doesn’t blame Rose. She really doesn’t. 

“Do you?” Han counters. 

Does she?

She’s  _ learnt _ everything she could about him, so she could rightly say that she does  _ know _ him.

She knows how he looks like when he comes in her mouth. She knows the keening sound he makes as she plays with her clit when he has her on her stomach and thrusting into her from behind. She knows the sigh he exudes, as if it’s imprinted into her mind, when he first enters her. 

She knows what he looks like when he’s cooking, concentrated on a task and she’s propped on the marble counter, staring as his muscles ripple with movement. 

She knows all of his different smiles and she knows when he’s exasperated with her because he blows a raspberry like he’s a toddler. She knows how he looks like when she’s stumped him with something, he frowns and then pouts until she kisses him. 

She knows every scar on his body. She’s traced them a hundred times in the past week. 

She may not know his past. She may not know what he actually does. She doesn’t know where he goes or what he thinks about when he gets the guilty look on his face, when regrets overcomes him it practically sends him to his knees. But she  _ knows _ him. 

“Yeah, I do.”

At least, she thinks she does.

* * *

She’s upstairs using the bathroom and when she comes out, wiping the last dredges of water on her shorts, she comes to a stop when she sees Poe staring at the pictures that are on the wall. 

She’s in some of them. 

It makes her heart swell. 

Ben is nowhere to be seen. 

And this is another thing. It’s something she’s only truly come to realize recently. It was always in the back of her mind when Lor San Tekka dropped her off here and the mystery of her room was answered with a small amount of guilt and a whole lot of sorrow. 

There are  _ no _ pictures of Ben Solo in Han and Leia’s house. Not even one that would suggest that they used to have a son. Just a room kept like a shrine. 

It bothers her that she doesn’t have a face to put to the name. It bothers her that she doesn’t know what he looks like. It bothers her because he was their  _ son _ . If anything, they should be immortalizing him on their walls, alongside the kids they’ve taken in and nurtured. 

She shoves her hands in her pockets and slides next to Poe. He turns his head and gives her a charming smile. “Can I ask you a question?” She asks. 

“Of course.”

“You’ve been around Han and Leia for a while...did you know...about Ben?”

Poe’s body tenses and he turns to face her, eyes wide and mouth agape. “What?”

“Ben...did you know him?” She thinks she has the math right. Poe and Ben should have gone to school together. They probably grew up together and she’s  _ desperate _ to know about him but doesn’t want to ask Han and Leia.

Poe recovers but looks at her suspiciously. “What do you know about Ben?”

“Just that he was their son and that he’s gone. But I don’t...they never talk about how. They never talk about him, really.”

“Because he’s an asshole.” Poe mutters underneath his breath. 

Poe is a nice guy. Rey likes him and she especially likes him for Finn. They complement each other and Poe does a lot of good within the community, always offering to take on cases pro bono. She’s never heard him talk ill of anyone and especially not the dead. 

“Hey,” Rey warns, feeling the need to defend a man who isn’t able to defend himself. “Have some respect, Poe. Ben is  _ dead _ .”

Poe blinks at her and then tilts his head back and laughs. 

It’s not a warm laugh. Not the laugh that she has come to know from Poe. No, this one is dark and twisted and bitter. 

“Ben Solo is  _ not _ dead.”

Rey’s brow furrows. “But Han and Leia said that he’s gone.”

Poe nods. “ _ Gone _ . As in left the house. As in, he  _ literally _ burned everything in his path, almost killed Han, broke Leia’s heart, destroyed Luke’s life mission and  _ left _ . Ben Solo is not dead. He left because he was a selfish asshole and wherever he is now, I’m sure he’s still just as big an asshole as he was then. Probably even more.”

Rey blinks and leans against the wall, as if it could support the newfound knowledge she has. 

No. It’s not possible. 

But of course it’s  _ possible _ . 

Everything is possible. 

“What happened?”

Poe hesitates for only one minute before he tells her the whole story. So much vitriol and hatred towards a man not here to answer to the crimes Poe is laying against him.

She mourned Ben Solo for so long. 

She was positive that if she ever met Ben Solo, she would like him. 

Rey has never felt so much rage, so much of  _ anything _ in her veins the way she feels for Ben Solo when Poe is finally finished telling her everything. 

The last time she felt this way was in Jakku. 

* * *

That night, she dreams.

_ It’s the masked figure in black, hands wrapped around her neck, knife pressed against her, ready to cut her throat and then she moves, kicks and screams and he cuts her underneath the ear and she lets out another scream.  _

_ She scrambles up, the sand kicking underneath her feet.  _

_ “Who are you?” She screams. “Who are you? What do you want from me?” _

_ “You know who I am, Rey. You’ve always known who I am.” The voice is distorted, an echo in the middle of the desert.  _

_ He doesn’t say anything, instead he lunges and Rey meets him halfway, face snarling, balling her fists, ready to fight. Ready to take back her dreams.  _

She wakes up gasping, twisted in her sheets. She’s damp all over from sweat and she struggles to kick off the blankets. She gets up and goes to open her bedroom window as high as it can go, breathing in the fresh air and warm breeze. 

Her hands are shaking. Her eyes are wet with unshed tears and she can feel her heart slamming against her rib cage until her chest hurts.

_ You know who I am, Rey. You’ve always known who I am.  _

She leans her head against the wall and tries to steady her breathing, the words from her dream already drifting away from her. She wants to call them back, wants to call everything back and examine it in detail but she doesn’t and instead, she’s left with a familiar sense of foreboding. 

Her mind drifts back to earlier in the night and the story Poe told her. 

She feels like an idiot. Mourning a man who doesn’t deserve to be mourned, not after what he did. Not after the hurt he caused Han and Leia. Not after he left the only family he ever knew for some psycho with promised power. 

“Why?” She breathes into the night. “Why did you do it?” 

She wants answers. She  _ needs _ answers because the Ben she saw in the room she stayed in, the Ben who’s music she listens to when she can’t sleep and needs and craves comfort, the Ben who has half of Han and half of Leia in him, is completely different than the Ben in Poe’s story. 

Somewhere, she hears an answer and she’s not entirely sure she made it up.

_ Because I’m a monster, Rey. Never forget that. _

* * *

The sun is starting to rise and she’s toying with her phone, staring at the list in front of her. She presses down on the selection and clicks what she’s looking for.

_ Delete from Library _

Her eyes drift down to the bottom, where it prompts her.

_ Are you sure you want to delete Ben’s Playlist from your iCloud Music Library? This will delete it from all your devices. _

She takes a deep breath and presses  _ Cancel _ . 

Because she  _ can’t _ . Because Ben is  _ not _ dead. Because Ben obviously made mistakes. Because Ben isn’t who she built him up to be in her head but his music still helped her. His music, to this day, still helps her. 

His music still shaped her. 

Because Ben Solo, despite not knowing him, despite learning the truth, or however much the truth can be coming from Poe, dragged her out of the darkness and made her see the light again. 

And for that, she thinks she will always be thankful. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed! Let me know what you think! Reviews/Kudos/all of it are like a balm to my sooooooul!!!!! Hahaha, but seriously, thank you guys so so much for welcoming me back with open arms and attempting to flesh out this story! MAD LOVE AND RESPECT to all of you. 
> 
> Hope you’re all keeping safe and well.

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully you all like and are buckled in for a bumpy ride. 
> 
> This being said, the world is crazy now, that goes without saying but I hope everyone is staying safe!


End file.
